Post traumatic death syndrome.

That title really doesn't have anything to do with anything at all. It just popped up in my head while I was trying to think of a good title for this post. Funny how that works, eh?


Anyway, nothing is new really, I just felt like writing. Well I guess something is new, but nothing directly related to me. I've just gotten myself some new crap that I'm very happy to own.

So, last Sunday I ordered myself a new laptop and subsequently, on Monday, I went to Malmö to pick it up. While being in the stressful city of Malmö I took a detour into a record store looking for some vinyls. Of course they didn't have anything I was initially looking for, and whenever I found a label of something I wanted, guess what? Sold out! It's not all bad though, because I did find some gems in there, four of them even. I was there with my dad and while I was browsing around their big room of vinyls, my dad yells out "Nine Inch Nails!". Which of course got my attention. It turns out that they had just gotten a copy of The Downward Spiral in, and it seems to be an original 1994 print as well. I'm not sure, but it looks like it could be. On top of that it is in absolute pristine shape too, the cover has no markings or signs of wear and tear anywhere, nor does the actual records. So I grabbed that and I also found a copy of Depeche Mode - Some Great Reward, Depeche Mode - Black Celebration (which I'm listening to right now, Stripped, baby!) and Mike Oldfield - Tubular Bells. All those for the price of 414 SEK isn't too bad in my humble opinion. I'm really happy with that purchase.

Behold!

Oh, and on Sunday I'm meeting someone (yes, a lady) I've been talking to on Skype for quite a while. It seems like it could be a lot of fun, since we share a lot of common interests and get a long really well on Skype. So in theory, it seems only logical that it would work out in real life as well. In any case, I'm looking forward to it.

Lastly, this year there will be a list of my favorite games of 2011, unlike last year when I said there would but there wasn't. I just need to finish up some games I'm currently playing so I know what the hell I will be writing about.

Other than that, everything is still pretty much the same. I still miss my ex girlfriend and her adorable kids. I miss them all a lot.

So that's it for this time, I tip my hat to the.

Love - a fucking paradox.

Love can be the most wonderful thing in the world, and it can be one of the most painful.

Such is the life of this shell of a man I call myself right now. As my previous posts has stated, my now ex girlfriend has broken up with me. It has been almost a month since she did, and I am still devastated. I can't sleep, I can't eat and I can't really think of anything else but her. To clarify, this is a woman that I love in the truest sense if the word. I mean LOVE. I absolutely and unequivocally love her. There is literally nothing I wouldn't do to be with her again.

What makes all this so hard for me (except for the fact that she broke up with me) is that I simply don't understand any of it. She literally told me that she loved me the day before she broke up with me. Didn't that mean anything to her? Were they just empty words? How can things change over the course of one night? Adding further to this is that she just doesn't seem to care, not the slightest. Sure, I'm no angel and I said things that probably shouldn't have been said. Still, I'm finding it hard to understand why she now outright refuses to talk with me. No answer when I call, text or e-mail her. Nothing. It's like she simply doesn't care at all about me.

During the last few days, her updates on Facebook suggested with high probability that she has already met someone else. Upon asking her about it in a friendy but direct manner, I simply got threatened instead of getting an answer. I'm definitely no Mr. Perfect but I sure as hell deserve an answer. I haven't really done anything that warrants me being treated like this. All I've ever done is loving her.

If it's true that she has met someone, I can't help but wonder if I ever meant anything at all to her. Because if you say you love someone, how the hell can you forget that person and move on in less than three weeks? Especially when you say that you don't want to be in a relationship right now, and that you need time to yourself. It just doesn't make any sense to me. Unless ofcourse those words meant nothing to her. It also makes me wonder if its someone she met while we were together and straight up lied about it and cheated on me. I seriously doubt that's the case, but at least it would make sense.

Furthermore, it's like she's a completely different person now, like I don't know her at all. Did I ever know her? Was it all an act? Is the person she is now the real her? Or is what I'm seeing now the act?

I'm going out of my mind trying to handle all of it. But the sad fact is that she now doesn't want anything to do with me at all, and I will probably never get the answers I so desperately want. She's ignoring me even though she said she really wanted to be really good friends.

I just can't see a friendship based on lies and secrecy working.

I can really only hope that all of this is just thoughts and speculation. In all honesty, I have a hard time imagining that she would do these things. Stranger things have happened though, and as I said I'll probably never find out.

I just hope that she'll talk to me again some day and maybe then we can sort this whole mess out.

Until then though, I am devastated.

Ok, so.. Gibberish and shock.

That was pretty much what my last post was about. Well, I shouldn't say gibberish, more of a ramble based on emotions. Today I talked to her for a bit and things were more... Rational in my mind. Even though I still don't understand one of the reasons she had for breaking up with me. She's depressed and needs time to herself, which I totally understand to a 100%. The part I can not for the life of me figure out is that she said she hadn't loved anyone as much as she loved me. Then she also said that she doesn't think that we could ever be together because we're too different. Upon asking how we're different, there was no answer except that it "feels like it". I really don't get that at all. I really, really though we had something special, and I could really see a future with her, and I still can if she should decide to change her mind. To me, we were getting along so well, and her kids really seemed to like me too, as I did them. We had planned on spending Christmas ever togehter, but I guess that's down the gutter now, so I'll guess that I'll spending it alone this year. And that really sucks, because I was really looking forward to that, to spending the winter with her and her kids. Playing out in the snow with them and all that. I had so much hope for us, I really did.

I've never felt the way I do for her before, and I hope from the bottom of my heart that she'll get better and maybe want to try again. Because if she does love me the way she says she does, I can't really see any reason for us not being together.

Although it would probably be stupid to hope for anything along those lines. I guess I'm not destined to be loved. I just give and give and give, but always seem to get thrown away. 

"Love youuuuuu!" :).

You know...

That thing about me being happy? Well scratch that. My... I guess ex-girlfriend now just texted me and I guess she broke up with me. And once again I'm left here a hollow shell of a man not knowing what the hell is going on. What's wrong with me? What is it about me that makes everyone I love turn away from me?! WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WRONG?! Just like the last time I was dumped by a text message, I really have no idea what the hell is going on. I mean, everything was fine, I was in love and so was she.. Or at least I though she was. She dropped that bomb on me and the went on to say that she can't talk right now because she isn't at home and asked if we couldn't talk in a few days. Now what does that mean? Is this a repeat of last time? It sure as hell wouldn't surprise me if it was... How the fucking hell can you do that to someone?! Jesus Christ... I guess it's back to being depressed for about half a year now again.. Wohoooo! Fucking great. And just when I thought she loved me as much as I loved her...

Well I'm off to bed to cry myself to sleep now... Laters.

Waves of nothingness, and then some!

Have you ever heard a song or a piece of music that just enthralls you with it's sheer beauty? I have, and I just did. I had put on my Spotify playlist on random as I was messing around trying to organize my closet and a small little room I have in my kitchen. Anyway, while I was out taking a break and having a smoke, this song started. And it always has the same effect on me, I immediately got goosebumps all over my body. The thing is, I don't really associate this song with any fond memories, nor does it make me think of anything special. Yet it has this effect on me. I find it fascinating that a piece of music can do this to you, that someone has put together a bunch of notes that later becomes soundwaves affecting your entire body.

So what else is new, you ask? Well, you probably aren't asking, but you know what? I'm going to tell you anyway! The short answer would be; Not a whole lot. Life just keeps on rolling along as it always has, which is a good thing, because I'm enjoying the hell out of it right now. So from that I guess you could deduce that I am still in a general happy mood, still very much in love and just loving the shit out of everything right now. Well, except for a few things, but who the hell cares, right?

Also, it is November and anyone remotely interested in video games knows what that means. We're all broke-ass-broke, because all the big games decide to come out this month. Or maybe it's just me that's stupi enough to buy them all? Hmm, quite the conundrum... Anyway, I've been playing a whole hell of a lot of The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim since this Monday, and put about 60 hours into it so far. And I'm showing no signs of stopping anytime soon. Some might think that makes me a crazy person, but I assure you, I am not! (You'll see! You'll all see!) No, the reason I've been playing so much of it is simply because it is god damned really fucking great game. It's as simple as that. I'm playing as a Dark Elf who is currently at level 29 and is primarily a mage/rogue type thing. I use a lot of spells, a lot of one handed weapons and a lot of bows, so I'm whatever that makes me. Also, to give you a sense of how insanely huge this game is, I've barely touched the main quests, even though I've spent 60 hours in the game doing subquests and miscellaneous quests (kind of sub-subquests). How's that for a metric shit-ton of content?

And right after I'm done with that (if ever) I've also gotten myself Assassin's Creed: Revelations, which I haven't even touched yet. Although I've heard mostly good things, there has been some negativity directed towards it. Mainly about it not being as revealing as the title suggests and that it kind of feels like we've had enough of Ezio. I'm still looking forward to playing it though, so here's hoping.


Oh, and I've also started listening to vinyl records, something I regret I haven't done before. Because the quality of those records, god damnit and jesus christ! It is so much better than both CD's and mp3's. So now I've got a player right next to my monitor and I've bought a couple of vinyls of my own. Though I've only gotten 2 of the 4 vinyls I've ordered.

And lastly but definitely not leastly. My first official christmas decoration is up!

Peace out, bitches!

Happy, happy, happy!

Ah, the good times are finally a rollin'. Since the last time I wrote in this rambled mess of a blog, a lot of things has changed for me. First and foremost, I've met someone very special to me. I'm actually in love again, something I never thought would happen. Other than that I've started to feel much better in general, probably because of the fact that I've started taking my medication and also because I'm in a new relationship and very much in love. So in short, happy pills + happy mood = happiness! I've also started reading up on some school work that I didn't finish back when I was supposed to, so as I said, there's a lot of things going on right now, and I for one am loving it.

My special ladyfriend also has two kids, both of which I get along very well with. I like them, and they really seem to like me too. That said, it's kind of hard adjusting to the role of "part time dad". It's not like I don't enjoy it, because I really do. It's mostly because there are so many things you aren't used to consider when you don't have any kids of your own. And then there's the whole 'getting up insanely early in the mornings'-thing too, but still, I really enjoy it. Truth be told, it's hard not to be happy around them. It's all really worth it.

Recently I've bought a bunch of new stuff for my apartment. Including a big-ass couch that also functions as a realy comfortable bed. While that might sound like a bad idea, it's actually much bigger and much more comfortable than my old bed. On top that, it makes my apartment look so much better than what it used to, since I've been able to get rid of both my old bed and my old couch. Other than the new couch, I also bought a canvas painting, a new super-comfortable chair and a new lamp. I've also gotten rid of my old game-related posters and replaced them with more artsy stuff. Oh, and I've put up some shelves as well. All in all, I freaking love my apartment! Now if I only had the money to buy a bigger TV and a proper surround sound system... Oh well, all in due time I guess.

I've also started smoking the waterpipe, which I enjoy a whole lot. So much so that I've actualy gone and bought my self a new pipe, just three days after I tried my first one. It's a very relaxing activity, especially if you're doing it with a group of friends or someone you love.

In this writing moment, I'm sitting next to my girlfriend in her new apartment, watching The Matrix Reloaded, which kind of sucks. But anything's good in her company, so I'm happy anyway. I always am when I'm with her. We've only just sat down after having moved hers kids' bed into her new place, which turned out to be much more complicated than we had thought. Things always are, aren't they?



And with that, I'll leave you to whatever you were doing before you took a gander at the concoction that is my life. Peace out, y'all!

Why does nothing ever work out for me?

Should I just give up? Try not to care? Should I just become some hollow shell of a man who doesn't care about anyone or anything as long as he gets what he wants? Is that the winning formula? It sure does seem like it.

I was happy all day, and now I'm just down again, because as usual I've gone ahead and thought too much of too little. Or maybe I'm just doing the same right now?

I'm sure you have no idea what I'm rambling about, so let me fill you in. Since I became a single man I've been aching to get back what I once had. Maybe not from the person that at one point gave it to me, but from someone. I basically want to feel loved again, to feel like I matter, to feel special to someone. This, to me at least, has been an almost impossible task. I don't know if it's because I'm too ugly, too boring or too pathetic. Maybe all of it? As you may or may not know, I have my fair share of problems too, as I have a hard time doing much of anything that requires me to go outside my apartment. Sure, it's better than what it once was, but it's still there, kicking my currently depressed butt.

The thing is, people that I talk to online do not know this about me. So why the hell is it that I'm so god damned uninteresting? It pretty much has to be one of the above mentioned reasons. Add to that a fair amount of sensitivity and uncertainty, and I'm sure what we end up with is what most people would see as a pathetic guy. That has to be the reason, I can't see it being anything but. Or is it just that people of today's society have unreasonably high standards for people they meet?

The few people that I have met have all been very nice people, especially one of them. But there's always something in the way. I won't go in to details since some of the people I'm talking about may actually read this, but rest assured, there is always, always, always something in the way. Something that prevents things from going any further with anyone. And I'm getting pretty god damned sick of it.

Why is it that I only attract people that I could never build something with?


Am I too much of a nice guy? Am I too emotional? Am I too dumb? Too sensitive? What is it that's so wrong with those things? What is so wrong with wanting to feel special?



Why does nothing ever work out for me?

Music!

Yeah, so there was this benefit thing where a bunch of bands played, and among them, my friends in Purified Hatred. The 'benefit thing' was held about.. 30 seconds form where I live, so I obviously went there to see them play. Something I unfortunately haven't done in a while. The event took place at around 18-23 PM but my friends' band wasn't supposed to go on stage until 21 PM, so instead, we chose to hang out a bit, talk some crap, drink some booze and all that. Of course, I didn't partake in the drinking of booze, because alcohol has a tendency to make me feel nauseated instead of getting that happy buzz everyone else seems to get. Anyway, they went on stage, played their gig and they are fucking great! I've said it before, but they really are great, and they're really on the same level as any other band in that genre. It's really such a shame that they haven't gotten out there properly, because they definitely could if they wanted to.

After they had completed their brütal gig, the next band, Perception of Darkness, went on stage. I guess they referred to their own style as "Industrial Gothic". Which, judging from their look and sound, sounds pretty accurate. Not really my cup of tea, but they did put on a good show, and I do love me some music, regardless of my own personal taste. At one part of their gig, the lead singer proposed to his girlfriend, live, on stage. I don't know if that was part of the show or if it was an actual proposal. But if it's the latter, kudos and congratulations, man! He also had some awesome charisma, and really got the crowd (which unfortunately consisted of about 10-15 people for both bands) going.

In either case, both bands put on great performances, even if it's hard to be at your best when the crowd is so miniscule.

Stupidity.

I have lots of it. Yesterday I pre-ordered a copy of Mortal Kombat for the PS3, even though I don't have any money at all. But dag nabbit, I need that game! I haven't been interested in the MK franchise for a long, long time, but this time they're bringing it back to basics, which I absolutely love! For the first time in what seems like forever, the next Mortal Kombat game is going to have an M rating, which means a whole lot more blood and gory details, LOVE IT! Coincidentally, Portal 2, which I've had pre-ordered for a while now, releases on the exact same day. This means that I'll be spending a lot of money that I don't even have. Great!



Also, in this writing moment, I have a spongecake waiting for me in the oven. I've been doing a surprising amount of baking this past week, all in the name of saving money. But I'm also enjoying it quite a bit, so it's all good!

Once it's out of the oven I'll be enjoying it, some coffee, IRC and Silent Hill: Shattered Memories.

Laters, people.

Behold!

Glorious bread!

So that was my first attempt at the recipe the wonderful Patsy gave me. And it turned out great! I've since made another batch of it and I'm going to continue to do so for a good while. It's much cheaper than buying bread at the grocery shop, and it definitely tastes better too. Also, it's so god damned easy to make! I don't know why I haven't been doing this until now.

Anyway, BREAD!

Happiness, satisfaction and general awesomeness.

Oh, hi! Hey there! It's been a while, how are things? Good? Great!

Anyway, I am feeling a whole crapload of better since the last time we spoke. No more sadness, no more pain, no more anger. No more of any of those sad, unhappy feelings.

Since last I wrote anything here, I've both met and 'met' a whole bunch of new people, all of them very nice and generally likable people. Which is a great thing because during my period of self-hatred and general "I don't want to fucking live anymore, what's the point in anything?!"-ness, I thought that I would never ever be able to meet new people. Nor that they would actually like spending time with or talking to me. Anyway, since I began meeting new people, both for realz and on the interwebs, I've been feeling a whole hell of a lot better about myself and what the future may hold for me. So.. Yay! And so on...

Anywho, one of these friendly people share my love of video games, which is great, because you don't come across people you actually like that often. And even less, people that also happen to share one of your biggest interests. So me and her have been talking for a while, played a few sessions of Resident Evil 5 online and such. All good fun! And for some reason or another, we came to the subject of the Silent Hill games, which I said I've never played. Then she tells me that she has an unopened, extra copy of Silent Hill: Shattered Memories for the PS2. She offers to send me this copy, which I first thought was a joke, but nope. That lovely person actually did send me an unopened copy of said game for absolutely nothing at all... Needless to say, I'm very happy because of this. Not only because I got a game I wanted to play for free (yay!) but also because it assures me that there is hope for humanity. There actually are genuinely nice people out there, which is just awesome. So a shitload of thankyous to you, Jessica! *snuggles*.

Yeah, that's it... A rather pointless entry in this blog of nonsensical whimsy. But I wanted to write something, so I did. LOGIC!

Also, I'm baking bread.
Peace out!

So...

Yeah, it happened. My ex has apparantly fallen in love again and is currently in a relationship with some other dude. I really don't know what to feel about it, on the one hand, I'm happy because she's happy. But mostly, I'm just fucking pissed off. That just shows how much (or rather little) she ever cared about me. If you're able to go from what we had to being in a relationship this short a time after we broke up, you are a fucking liar. For how long did she string me along before she broke it off? For how long did she lie to me when she said she loved me? Does she enjoy making me feel like complete shit? Does she even understand how fucking incredibly miserable and heartbroken I've been?

I hope that she does one day, and maybe then I could at least get some god damned emotion out of her. I'm not saying I want her back, I'm just fucking pissed off at her behavior towards me the last couple of weeks. Now this comes along and I really don't know what to think. Was it all a lie? Did she ever love me at all? Does she even know what love is?

What I felt for her was real, deep love on the level of "I would fucking give my own life to be with you". And I really would, I would have given up everything for her. She on the other hand... Probably not.

So anyway, right now, I just want to meet her, trade our stuff and talk to her about what's happened. But according to her, not enough time has passed for that. Really? Fucking REALLY?! Not enough time has passed for you to just meet the person you've claimed to be in love with for two and a half years, but enough time has passed for you to fall in love and be in a relationship with someone else? Does that make sense to anyone? Because it sure as hell doesn't to me.



I hope you're happy now, Angelica. I really do. Just understand or at least try to understand what you've done to me, and how you've completely and utterly broken me down. I loved you deeply and truly, with all of my being. And I would have given up my whole life just to be with you, even life itself. I just hope that you realise what it is you've thrown away.

Rough times.

Yeah, it's still not gone. I still have extremely strong feelings for my ex. I don't even know what to do with it anymore, I've broken down completely. How can my feelings be so incredibly strong for her, while she has next to none for me? It just feels so hopeless.

I've been acting like an idiot with her lately. I've terrorised her with text-messages, called her obsessively and so on. I know this probably isn't the way to get someone back, or at least making them want to talk to me at all. But as I said, I'm panicing, the realisation that I probably won't ever get her back is just too hard to handle for me. I had such dreams, such hopes, such strong feelings for us. I really thought that she was the one, and I still believe she is to some degree. I also fear that she may have already found someone else, which just adds more problems to it all. With that said, I'm done terrorising her. As I said, I've realised that she doesn't love me anymore, and there isn't anything I can do about it, and sending her texts and calling her like a maniac certainly doesn't help.

It just feels so... Unfair, for lack of a better word. She had her fair share of psychological problems that I feel I helped her with during our 2,5 years together, but just when I'm starting to deal with my own problems, she just leaves me, right when I needed her the most.

She said we're too different, but we're really not. The only thing that was stopping me from doing things with her (long trips, walking around in the city, taking the train to her and so on) was my own psychological problems. So we're really not different at all, since I wanted to do those things with her, but my mind stopped me. We share the same taste in music, we both love video games, playing games and just cuddling up together in the couch while watching a movie or something. Hell, now I would even love to go into town to a pub or something with her and her friends. I wanted to back then as well, but my psyche wasn't there. We're really not different at all. I just wish I would get the chance to show her that I actually have changed since then, I'm doing things that I could never see myself do during the time we were together. And I just wish she could be a part of that.

There are so many things I miss, and know that I may never get to do again. Like being at her place, getting a text message as she's on her way home from work, telling me to go outside and wait for her and bring something to drink out for her. Just sitting in front of her apartment in the summer, enjoying a cigarette and talking about random stuff. Being at her place during the summer, seeing her friends and so on. Waking up in the morning, having her beside me, snoring. Seeing her beautiful face as she's waking up. Just laying in bed, cuddling. Feeling her hands on my body or just holding her hand as we were going shopping. Hugging her, kissing her, feeling her skin against mine. I miss so many things so much.

I don't know what hurts the most, the fact that she doesn't love me anymore or the fact that it was all my fault. I didn't understand how important some things were to her, and while I did listen to her when she spoke of it, I just didn't get it. I guess I felt too safe in our relationship. I hate myself deeply for this, since it in turn destroyed the best thing that ever happened to me. I regret that I never got to meet her best friend, I know how important that was to her, and yet I still couldn't do it (it was because it was a long trip to get to her and my psyche couldn't handle that at the time). It's not that I have anything against her (the friend) or anything. I just wish that I would get another chance, since I actually have changed since then, and now I would have happily taken that trip tenfold. Because I truly have changed, and today I wouldn't have the slightest problem with it. As I said, I hate myself for all of this, for taking her for granted, for feeling too safe. And it is so unbelievably hard to handle the fact that it is all my own fault, and I'll never get to show her how much I've changed.

Right now, I'm struggling with just getting her to talk to me at all. But I understand why she doesn't want to right now, I've probably smothered her, what with the maniacal calling and text messaging.

All of these feelings have more or less resulted in me crying every day for about two weeks now. It is so incredibly painful to have the one you love not even want to talk to you. But then again, as I said, I have myself to blame. I guess the only thing that keeps me going is that the future is uncertain, who knows, maybe we'll end up together at some point in the future after all.

If I could do it all again, I never would have taken her for granted. If I had been given another chance, I would have acted very differently.


If my ex reads this, know that I am truly sorry for not doing the things you wanted us to do. I'm truly sorry for all the hardships I've put you through. I'm truly sorry for taking you for granted. I'm truly sorry for everything. I'm so incredibly sorry.




I can still feel you, even so far away...

A little late, but its coming.

I'm referring the Game of the Year feature I'll post as soon as I can. I've been through a rough time emotionally and I'm still going through it, but it's getting more manageable, at least for now. Now you at least know why its a little late, but I will write it up and post it soon-ish.

Right now I'm just going to go through and play some of the games that came out last year to refresh my memory of some of them. After that I'll deliberate with myself on which games will make it.

A heads up though, it won't be a typical top 10 games of the year, but rather a "these are the 10 best games that I played during 2010"-thing. So there might be some odd choices in there, due to me not having played some of the games regarded as GotY material.