Why does nothing ever work out for me?

Should I just give up? Try not to care? Should I just become some hollow shell of a man who doesn't care about anyone or anything as long as he gets what he wants? Is that the winning formula? It sure does seem like it.

I was happy all day, and now I'm just down again, because as usual I've gone ahead and thought too much of too little. Or maybe I'm just doing the same right now?

I'm sure you have no idea what I'm rambling about, so let me fill you in. Since I became a single man I've been aching to get back what I once had. Maybe not from the person that at one point gave it to me, but from someone. I basically want to feel loved again, to feel like I matter, to feel special to someone. This, to me at least, has been an almost impossible task. I don't know if it's because I'm too ugly, too boring or too pathetic. Maybe all of it? As you may or may not know, I have my fair share of problems too, as I have a hard time doing much of anything that requires me to go outside my apartment. Sure, it's better than what it once was, but it's still there, kicking my currently depressed butt.

The thing is, people that I talk to online do not know this about me. So why the hell is it that I'm so god damned uninteresting? It pretty much has to be one of the above mentioned reasons. Add to that a fair amount of sensitivity and uncertainty, and I'm sure what we end up with is what most people would see as a pathetic guy. That has to be the reason, I can't see it being anything but. Or is it just that people of today's society have unreasonably high standards for people they meet?

The few people that I have met have all been very nice people, especially one of them. But there's always something in the way. I won't go in to details since some of the people I'm talking about may actually read this, but rest assured, there is always, always, always something in the way. Something that prevents things from going any further with anyone. And I'm getting pretty god damned sick of it.

Why is it that I only attract people that I could never build something with?


Am I too much of a nice guy? Am I too emotional? Am I too dumb? Too sensitive? What is it that's so wrong with those things? What is so wrong with wanting to feel special?



Why does nothing ever work out for me?

Music!

Yeah, so there was this benefit thing where a bunch of bands played, and among them, my friends in Purified Hatred. The 'benefit thing' was held about.. 30 seconds form where I live, so I obviously went there to see them play. Something I unfortunately haven't done in a while. The event took place at around 18-23 PM but my friends' band wasn't supposed to go on stage until 21 PM, so instead, we chose to hang out a bit, talk some crap, drink some booze and all that. Of course, I didn't partake in the drinking of booze, because alcohol has a tendency to make me feel nauseated instead of getting that happy buzz everyone else seems to get. Anyway, they went on stage, played their gig and they are fucking great! I've said it before, but they really are great, and they're really on the same level as any other band in that genre. It's really such a shame that they haven't gotten out there properly, because they definitely could if they wanted to.

After they had completed their brütal gig, the next band, Perception of Darkness, went on stage. I guess they referred to their own style as "Industrial Gothic". Which, judging from their look and sound, sounds pretty accurate. Not really my cup of tea, but they did put on a good show, and I do love me some music, regardless of my own personal taste. At one part of their gig, the lead singer proposed to his girlfriend, live, on stage. I don't know if that was part of the show or if it was an actual proposal. But if it's the latter, kudos and congratulations, man! He also had some awesome charisma, and really got the crowd (which unfortunately consisted of about 10-15 people for both bands) going.

In either case, both bands put on great performances, even if it's hard to be at your best when the crowd is so miniscule.