Post traumatic death syndrome.

That title really doesn't have anything to do with anything at all. It just popped up in my head while I was trying to think of a good title for this post. Funny how that works, eh?


Anyway, nothing is new really, I just felt like writing. Well I guess something is new, but nothing directly related to me. I've just gotten myself some new crap that I'm very happy to own.

So, last Sunday I ordered myself a new laptop and subsequently, on Monday, I went to Malmö to pick it up. While being in the stressful city of Malmö I took a detour into a record store looking for some vinyls. Of course they didn't have anything I was initially looking for, and whenever I found a label of something I wanted, guess what? Sold out! It's not all bad though, because I did find some gems in there, four of them even. I was there with my dad and while I was browsing around their big room of vinyls, my dad yells out "Nine Inch Nails!". Which of course got my attention. It turns out that they had just gotten a copy of The Downward Spiral in, and it seems to be an original 1994 print as well. I'm not sure, but it looks like it could be. On top of that it is in absolute pristine shape too, the cover has no markings or signs of wear and tear anywhere, nor does the actual records. So I grabbed that and I also found a copy of Depeche Mode - Some Great Reward, Depeche Mode - Black Celebration (which I'm listening to right now, Stripped, baby!) and Mike Oldfield - Tubular Bells. All those for the price of 414 SEK isn't too bad in my humble opinion. I'm really happy with that purchase.

Behold!

Oh, and on Sunday I'm meeting someone (yes, a lady) I've been talking to on Skype for quite a while. It seems like it could be a lot of fun, since we share a lot of common interests and get a long really well on Skype. So in theory, it seems only logical that it would work out in real life as well. In any case, I'm looking forward to it.

Lastly, this year there will be a list of my favorite games of 2011, unlike last year when I said there would but there wasn't. I just need to finish up some games I'm currently playing so I know what the hell I will be writing about.

Other than that, everything is still pretty much the same. I still miss my ex girlfriend and her adorable kids. I miss them all a lot.

So that's it for this time, I tip my hat to the.

Love - a fucking paradox.

Love can be the most wonderful thing in the world, and it can be one of the most painful.

Such is the life of this shell of a man I call myself right now. As my previous posts has stated, my now ex girlfriend has broken up with me. It has been almost a month since she did, and I am still devastated. I can't sleep, I can't eat and I can't really think of anything else but her. To clarify, this is a woman that I love in the truest sense if the word. I mean LOVE. I absolutely and unequivocally love her. There is literally nothing I wouldn't do to be with her again.

What makes all this so hard for me (except for the fact that she broke up with me) is that I simply don't understand any of it. She literally told me that she loved me the day before she broke up with me. Didn't that mean anything to her? Were they just empty words? How can things change over the course of one night? Adding further to this is that she just doesn't seem to care, not the slightest. Sure, I'm no angel and I said things that probably shouldn't have been said. Still, I'm finding it hard to understand why she now outright refuses to talk with me. No answer when I call, text or e-mail her. Nothing. It's like she simply doesn't care at all about me.

During the last few days, her updates on Facebook suggested with high probability that she has already met someone else. Upon asking her about it in a friendy but direct manner, I simply got threatened instead of getting an answer. I'm definitely no Mr. Perfect but I sure as hell deserve an answer. I haven't really done anything that warrants me being treated like this. All I've ever done is loving her.

If it's true that she has met someone, I can't help but wonder if I ever meant anything at all to her. Because if you say you love someone, how the hell can you forget that person and move on in less than three weeks? Especially when you say that you don't want to be in a relationship right now, and that you need time to yourself. It just doesn't make any sense to me. Unless ofcourse those words meant nothing to her. It also makes me wonder if its someone she met while we were together and straight up lied about it and cheated on me. I seriously doubt that's the case, but at least it would make sense.

Furthermore, it's like she's a completely different person now, like I don't know her at all. Did I ever know her? Was it all an act? Is the person she is now the real her? Or is what I'm seeing now the act?

I'm going out of my mind trying to handle all of it. But the sad fact is that she now doesn't want anything to do with me at all, and I will probably never get the answers I so desperately want. She's ignoring me even though she said she really wanted to be really good friends.

I just can't see a friendship based on lies and secrecy working.

I can really only hope that all of this is just thoughts and speculation. In all honesty, I have a hard time imagining that she would do these things. Stranger things have happened though, and as I said I'll probably never find out.

I just hope that she'll talk to me again some day and maybe then we can sort this whole mess out.

Until then though, I am devastated.