So, it's been a while. Again.

Since the last time I wrote here, there's been a lot going on in my life. Kind of. The reason for this abscense is mainly due to me not having dealt with the breakup of me and my ex girlfriend. Even though I said I was over, I wasn't. I just didn't feel like writing anything, because anything I could write about has already been written. With that said, now I really am over her. I am over her, but not it, because I'm still really hurt by the way she treated me. And I still really miss her kids sometimes. Though from what I hear, they're all doing great, so I'm happy for them. And I'm happy with my own life and myself as well.

So what I have been up to? Well, the usual I guess, playing games, sitting around, studying math and hanging with friends. On top of that, a while ago I was introduced to a group of people on Skype through a friend of mine. For a while, this group of people were really awesome, and I looked forward to talking to them every day, which we did. We all worked really good together and it was fun. Not too long after that, everything started going to shit, and I guess partly due to me doing what I did.

Among this little group, there was one person who I got a strange attraction to. We got along really well and had an easy time talking about pretty much anything, which we did. This lead to us feeling really comfortable with each other and joking about stuff. One thing we used to joke about was how we could have sex and kiss and how much we loved each other and such. But because I was in a relationship with the person who introduced me to the group, it was questioned by another certain person in the group. To which I answered something along the lines of "Well, what she doesn't know won't hurt her". This, at the time, was of course all jokes. But it sure as hell was not appreciated by my then girlfriend. Which I fully understand, and I shouldn't have acted the way I did, even if it were all jokes and fun.

During this time I was together with the friend who introduced me to the group on Skype. Me and her had been seeing each other occaisonally for a while and we decided to be a couple. A decision that was poorly made on both our parts, I think. Sure, I had feelings for her, but I guess they weren't what I thought they were. Only about two or three weeks into that relationship, we talked about it and came to the conclusion that we weren't actually in love with each other and decided to end it. This was true for me the whole time, but I'm not sure it was for her. I wouldn't even count it as a real relationship, because it sure didn't feel like it.

After all of that, me and the person whom I connected really well with got much closer. We started talking on Skype in private, away from the group. And this in turn led to jealousy (I think) from the person who I referred to as "this certain person". A while after that, me and Johanna (the one I got close to) decided that we would meet in real life. So, upon learning this, the jealous person and my I guess ex-girlfriend (even though I don't count her as one) started conspiring against both me and Johanna. They actively tried to ruin our relationship, going behind our backs and more or less making stuff up about me to scare Johanna off from meeting me.

Anyway, all of this has lead to me not talking to either my friend, nor the group on Skype. What I have walked with though, is a new love. In case it wasn't blatantly obvious, it's Johanna, who is now my girlfriend. And the main reason for me feeling generally happy again.

So, while it sucks that some people are so selfish that they want to ruin other peoples' lives, I really don't want anything to do with people that are like that. Still, it's a shame things turned out the way they did. But I'm happy, I've met someone I've fallen in love with, and someone that loves being with me as much as I love being with her. So in the end, it's all good.

Until next time, have a good one!

By the Swedes, for the Swedes.

So I just finished playing through The Darkness again. I haven't touched it since I finished it the last time, which was back in 2007 when it was released. I still think it's a fantastic and heavily underappreciated game.

Anyway, since the game is made by Starbreeze Studios, a swedish developer, there is a lot of grafitti and lettering spread about the game that is in swedish. So while playing through it this time, I acitvely looked for swedish words around the world. This is what I found.

"HATA ALLA!" Or "Hate everyone!".

"AIK", A swedish soccer team.

Hard to make out, but it says "Katt", which means "Cat".

"TANT", a word used in swedish for "old lady".

"SLAKT". Which means "Slaughter".

Not really swedish words, but at least it's swedish something. It says "Swedish Smorgasbord take-out" :D.

"Herr. A". Which is pretty much "Mr. A".

Not really a swedish word either, but "øl" is Danish for "Beer".

"Bjorn", almost "Björn", which means "Bear".

"STATY!", meaning "Statue!". And "FRITÖS?", meaning "Fryer?".

Advertisement for some band called "POLIS BATONG", which means "Police baton".

"STHLM". And Abbreviation for "Stockholm".

"ruttengubbe", basically meaning something along the lines of "rotten old man".

Not really a word, but a name. "Krille P". "Krille" is a common nickname for someone named "Kristian".

An english and a swedish word. "FOLK", meaning "People".
 

"GULDTAND", meaning "Gold tooth".

"LÅST", meaning "Locked".

"RUMPA", meaning "Ass". As in, someone's ass, not someone being an ass.

"Skurk!", basically meaning "Thief", "Bad guy" or "Villain".

I don't think this is an actual word, but it says "Läskväska" which would mean something like "Soda bag".

"Hårdrock", meaning "Hard rock". As in music, not an actual rock.

A picture of a bear with the word "Björn", meaning "Bear".

"KULT", meaning "Cult". Or it could mean that something has had a cultural impact on society.

"BÄVER", meaning "Beaver".

I'm sure there are more, but these are the ones that I could find. It was fun looking for all of them, because none of it makes any darned sense :P.

Love thrown away.

I saw this Valentines card lying thrown away in the snow today. And it really hurt me. Someone made the effort to make this card for someone, and the person who received it just threw it away. It really reminds me of my breakup with my ex, since it's pretty much the same deal. It still hurts a lot.

Ahh, sweet relief, how I've longed for the!

So, yeah, that whole thing about me being depressed as fuck over my ex. Totally gone! I'm over her, and I'm feeling pretty damned good! Woooo!

Awesome, right? Totally awesome. Anyway, not a whole lot has been happening with me lately. The long break in posting is due to that whole ex thing, but since early this week, I've gotten completely over it. So now I'm all good again. Ready to start anew and getting back to just being me. I fucking love it!

As I said, not a whole lot has been happening, I've pretty much just cleaned up my apartment a bit and moved some crap out of here. Which is really nice, since my apartment isn't that big. It feels a bit more spacious now. Hmm, right now, in this writing moment, I'm really in a situation where I don't know what to write, so you'll have to bare with me here.

Oh, if there's anything I have done it's watching a lot of movies, mostly comedies for some reason. I've been watching movies that I've heard good things about but never got around to actually see. Until now that is. Other than that, I've gone ahead and bought a fourth copy of one of my favorite games; Resident Evil 4. Although, this time it's on the Xbox 360, and in HD, and I hadn't played it in a while, so I thought: What the hell. Oh and there's also achievements, woo! So I guess I've been playing that as well.

Also, yesterday (Saturday) I met a very nice lady, who I got along really well with. She came over, we watched Paranormal Activity 3 and played some Left 4 Dead 2. After that, we pretty much just talked about random crap for about two hours, so that was awesome. And I'm meeting her again tomorrow, which is also.. You guessed it. Awesome!

Anyway, this post is pointless, but I felt like writing, so there you go.

Post traumatic death syndrome.

That title really doesn't have anything to do with anything at all. It just popped up in my head while I was trying to think of a good title for this post. Funny how that works, eh?


Anyway, nothing is new really, I just felt like writing. Well I guess something is new, but nothing directly related to me. I've just gotten myself some new crap that I'm very happy to own.

So, last Sunday I ordered myself a new laptop and subsequently, on Monday, I went to Malmö to pick it up. While being in the stressful city of Malmö I took a detour into a record store looking for some vinyls. Of course they didn't have anything I was initially looking for, and whenever I found a label of something I wanted, guess what? Sold out! It's not all bad though, because I did find some gems in there, four of them even. I was there with my dad and while I was browsing around their big room of vinyls, my dad yells out "Nine Inch Nails!". Which of course got my attention. It turns out that they had just gotten a copy of The Downward Spiral in, and it seems to be an original 1994 print as well. I'm not sure, but it looks like it could be. On top of that it is in absolute pristine shape too, the cover has no markings or signs of wear and tear anywhere, nor does the actual records. So I grabbed that and I also found a copy of Depeche Mode - Some Great Reward, Depeche Mode - Black Celebration (which I'm listening to right now, Stripped, baby!) and Mike Oldfield - Tubular Bells. All those for the price of 414 SEK isn't too bad in my humble opinion. I'm really happy with that purchase.

Behold!

Oh, and on Sunday I'm meeting someone (yes, a lady) I've been talking to on Skype for quite a while. It seems like it could be a lot of fun, since we share a lot of common interests and get a long really well on Skype. So in theory, it seems only logical that it would work out in real life as well. In any case, I'm looking forward to it.

Lastly, this year there will be a list of my favorite games of 2011, unlike last year when I said there would but there wasn't. I just need to finish up some games I'm currently playing so I know what the hell I will be writing about.

Other than that, everything is still pretty much the same. I still miss my ex girlfriend and her adorable kids. I miss them all a lot.

So that's it for this time, I tip my hat to the.

Love - a fucking paradox.

Love can be the most wonderful thing in the world, and it can be one of the most painful.

Such is the life of this shell of a man I call myself right now. As my previous posts has stated, my now ex girlfriend has broken up with me. It has been almost a month since she did, and I am still devastated. I can't sleep, I can't eat and I can't really think of anything else but her. To clarify, this is a woman that I love in the truest sense if the word. I mean LOVE. I absolutely and unequivocally love her. There is literally nothing I wouldn't do to be with her again.

What makes all this so hard for me (except for the fact that she broke up with me) is that I simply don't understand any of it. She literally told me that she loved me the day before she broke up with me. Didn't that mean anything to her? Were they just empty words? How can things change over the course of one night? Adding further to this is that she just doesn't seem to care, not the slightest. Sure, I'm no angel and I said things that probably shouldn't have been said. Still, I'm finding it hard to understand why she now outright refuses to talk with me. No answer when I call, text or e-mail her. Nothing. It's like she simply doesn't care at all about me.

During the last few days, her updates on Facebook suggested with high probability that she has already met someone else. Upon asking her about it in a friendy but direct manner, I simply got threatened instead of getting an answer. I'm definitely no Mr. Perfect but I sure as hell deserve an answer. I haven't really done anything that warrants me being treated like this. All I've ever done is loving her.

If it's true that she has met someone, I can't help but wonder if I ever meant anything at all to her. Because if you say you love someone, how the hell can you forget that person and move on in less than three weeks? Especially when you say that you don't want to be in a relationship right now, and that you need time to yourself. It just doesn't make any sense to me. Unless ofcourse those words meant nothing to her. It also makes me wonder if its someone she met while we were together and straight up lied about it and cheated on me. I seriously doubt that's the case, but at least it would make sense.

Furthermore, it's like she's a completely different person now, like I don't know her at all. Did I ever know her? Was it all an act? Is the person she is now the real her? Or is what I'm seeing now the act?

I'm going out of my mind trying to handle all of it. But the sad fact is that she now doesn't want anything to do with me at all, and I will probably never get the answers I so desperately want. She's ignoring me even though she said she really wanted to be really good friends.

I just can't see a friendship based on lies and secrecy working.

I can really only hope that all of this is just thoughts and speculation. In all honesty, I have a hard time imagining that she would do these things. Stranger things have happened though, and as I said I'll probably never find out.

I just hope that she'll talk to me again some day and maybe then we can sort this whole mess out.

Until then though, I am devastated.

Ok, so.. Gibberish and shock.

That was pretty much what my last post was about. Well, I shouldn't say gibberish, more of a ramble based on emotions. Today I talked to her for a bit and things were more... Rational in my mind. Even though I still don't understand one of the reasons she had for breaking up with me. She's depressed and needs time to herself, which I totally understand to a 100%. The part I can not for the life of me figure out is that she said she hadn't loved anyone as much as she loved me. Then she also said that she doesn't think that we could ever be together because we're too different. Upon asking how we're different, there was no answer except that it "feels like it". I really don't get that at all. I really, really though we had something special, and I could really see a future with her, and I still can if she should decide to change her mind. To me, we were getting along so well, and her kids really seemed to like me too, as I did them. We had planned on spending Christmas ever togehter, but I guess that's down the gutter now, so I'll guess that I'll spending it alone this year. And that really sucks, because I was really looking forward to that, to spending the winter with her and her kids. Playing out in the snow with them and all that. I had so much hope for us, I really did.

I've never felt the way I do for her before, and I hope from the bottom of my heart that she'll get better and maybe want to try again. Because if she does love me the way she says she does, I can't really see any reason for us not being together.

Although it would probably be stupid to hope for anything along those lines. I guess I'm not destined to be loved. I just give and give and give, but always seem to get thrown away. 

"Love youuuuuu!" :).