Why does nothing ever work out for me?

Should I just give up? Try not to care? Should I just become some hollow shell of a man who doesn't care about anyone or anything as long as he gets what he wants? Is that the winning formula? It sure does seem like it.

I was happy all day, and now I'm just down again, because as usual I've gone ahead and thought too much of too little. Or maybe I'm just doing the same right now?

I'm sure you have no idea what I'm rambling about, so let me fill you in. Since I became a single man I've been aching to get back what I once had. Maybe not from the person that at one point gave it to me, but from someone. I basically want to feel loved again, to feel like I matter, to feel special to someone. This, to me at least, has been an almost impossible task. I don't know if it's because I'm too ugly, too boring or too pathetic. Maybe all of it? As you may or may not know, I have my fair share of problems too, as I have a hard time doing much of anything that requires me to go outside my apartment. Sure, it's better than what it once was, but it's still there, kicking my currently depressed butt.

The thing is, people that I talk to online do not know this about me. So why the hell is it that I'm so god damned uninteresting? It pretty much has to be one of the above mentioned reasons. Add to that a fair amount of sensitivity and uncertainty, and I'm sure what we end up with is what most people would see as a pathetic guy. That has to be the reason, I can't see it being anything but. Or is it just that people of today's society have unreasonably high standards for people they meet?

The few people that I have met have all been very nice people, especially one of them. But there's always something in the way. I won't go in to details since some of the people I'm talking about may actually read this, but rest assured, there is always, always, always something in the way. Something that prevents things from going any further with anyone. And I'm getting pretty god damned sick of it.

Why is it that I only attract people that I could never build something with?


Am I too much of a nice guy? Am I too emotional? Am I too dumb? Too sensitive? What is it that's so wrong with those things? What is so wrong with wanting to feel special?



Why does nothing ever work out for me?

Music!

Yeah, so there was this benefit thing where a bunch of bands played, and among them, my friends in Purified Hatred. The 'benefit thing' was held about.. 30 seconds form where I live, so I obviously went there to see them play. Something I unfortunately haven't done in a while. The event took place at around 18-23 PM but my friends' band wasn't supposed to go on stage until 21 PM, so instead, we chose to hang out a bit, talk some crap, drink some booze and all that. Of course, I didn't partake in the drinking of booze, because alcohol has a tendency to make me feel nauseated instead of getting that happy buzz everyone else seems to get. Anyway, they went on stage, played their gig and they are fucking great! I've said it before, but they really are great, and they're really on the same level as any other band in that genre. It's really such a shame that they haven't gotten out there properly, because they definitely could if they wanted to.

After they had completed their brütal gig, the next band, Perception of Darkness, went on stage. I guess they referred to their own style as "Industrial Gothic". Which, judging from their look and sound, sounds pretty accurate. Not really my cup of tea, but they did put on a good show, and I do love me some music, regardless of my own personal taste. At one part of their gig, the lead singer proposed to his girlfriend, live, on stage. I don't know if that was part of the show or if it was an actual proposal. But if it's the latter, kudos and congratulations, man! He also had some awesome charisma, and really got the crowd (which unfortunately consisted of about 10-15 people for both bands) going.

In either case, both bands put on great performances, even if it's hard to be at your best when the crowd is so miniscule.

Stupidity.

I have lots of it. Yesterday I pre-ordered a copy of Mortal Kombat for the PS3, even though I don't have any money at all. But dag nabbit, I need that game! I haven't been interested in the MK franchise for a long, long time, but this time they're bringing it back to basics, which I absolutely love! For the first time in what seems like forever, the next Mortal Kombat game is going to have an M rating, which means a whole lot more blood and gory details, LOVE IT! Coincidentally, Portal 2, which I've had pre-ordered for a while now, releases on the exact same day. This means that I'll be spending a lot of money that I don't even have. Great!



Also, in this writing moment, I have a spongecake waiting for me in the oven. I've been doing a surprising amount of baking this past week, all in the name of saving money. But I'm also enjoying it quite a bit, so it's all good!

Once it's out of the oven I'll be enjoying it, some coffee, IRC and Silent Hill: Shattered Memories.

Laters, people.

Behold!

Glorious bread!

So that was my first attempt at the recipe the wonderful Patsy gave me. And it turned out great! I've since made another batch of it and I'm going to continue to do so for a good while. It's much cheaper than buying bread at the grocery shop, and it definitely tastes better too. Also, it's so god damned easy to make! I don't know why I haven't been doing this until now.

Anyway, BREAD!

Happiness, satisfaction and general awesomeness.

Oh, hi! Hey there! It's been a while, how are things? Good? Great!

Anyway, I am feeling a whole crapload of better since the last time we spoke. No more sadness, no more pain, no more anger. No more of any of those sad, unhappy feelings.

Since last I wrote anything here, I've both met and 'met' a whole bunch of new people, all of them very nice and generally likable people. Which is a great thing because during my period of self-hatred and general "I don't want to fucking live anymore, what's the point in anything?!"-ness, I thought that I would never ever be able to meet new people. Nor that they would actually like spending time with or talking to me. Anyway, since I began meeting new people, both for realz and on the interwebs, I've been feeling a whole hell of a lot better about myself and what the future may hold for me. So.. Yay! And so on...

Anywho, one of these friendly people share my love of video games, which is great, because you don't come across people you actually like that often. And even less, people that also happen to share one of your biggest interests. So me and her have been talking for a while, played a few sessions of Resident Evil 5 online and such. All good fun! And for some reason or another, we came to the subject of the Silent Hill games, which I said I've never played. Then she tells me that she has an unopened, extra copy of Silent Hill: Shattered Memories for the PS2. She offers to send me this copy, which I first thought was a joke, but nope. That lovely person actually did send me an unopened copy of said game for absolutely nothing at all... Needless to say, I'm very happy because of this. Not only because I got a game I wanted to play for free (yay!) but also because it assures me that there is hope for humanity. There actually are genuinely nice people out there, which is just awesome. So a shitload of thankyous to you, Jessica! *snuggles*.

Yeah, that's it... A rather pointless entry in this blog of nonsensical whimsy. But I wanted to write something, so I did. LOGIC!

Also, I'm baking bread.
Peace out!

So...

Yeah, it happened. My ex has apparantly fallen in love again and is currently in a relationship with some other dude. I really don't know what to feel about it, on the one hand, I'm happy because she's happy. But mostly, I'm just fucking pissed off. That just shows how much (or rather little) she ever cared about me. If you're able to go from what we had to being in a relationship this short a time after we broke up, you are a fucking liar. For how long did she string me along before she broke it off? For how long did she lie to me when she said she loved me? Does she enjoy making me feel like complete shit? Does she even understand how fucking incredibly miserable and heartbroken I've been?

I hope that she does one day, and maybe then I could at least get some god damned emotion out of her. I'm not saying I want her back, I'm just fucking pissed off at her behavior towards me the last couple of weeks. Now this comes along and I really don't know what to think. Was it all a lie? Did she ever love me at all? Does she even know what love is?

What I felt for her was real, deep love on the level of "I would fucking give my own life to be with you". And I really would, I would have given up everything for her. She on the other hand... Probably not.

So anyway, right now, I just want to meet her, trade our stuff and talk to her about what's happened. But according to her, not enough time has passed for that. Really? Fucking REALLY?! Not enough time has passed for you to just meet the person you've claimed to be in love with for two and a half years, but enough time has passed for you to fall in love and be in a relationship with someone else? Does that make sense to anyone? Because it sure as hell doesn't to me.



I hope you're happy now, Angelica. I really do. Just understand or at least try to understand what you've done to me, and how you've completely and utterly broken me down. I loved you deeply and truly, with all of my being. And I would have given up my whole life just to be with you, even life itself. I just hope that you realise what it is you've thrown away.

Rough times.

Yeah, it's still not gone. I still have extremely strong feelings for my ex. I don't even know what to do with it anymore, I've broken down completely. How can my feelings be so incredibly strong for her, while she has next to none for me? It just feels so hopeless.

I've been acting like an idiot with her lately. I've terrorised her with text-messages, called her obsessively and so on. I know this probably isn't the way to get someone back, or at least making them want to talk to me at all. But as I said, I'm panicing, the realisation that I probably won't ever get her back is just too hard to handle for me. I had such dreams, such hopes, such strong feelings for us. I really thought that she was the one, and I still believe she is to some degree. I also fear that she may have already found someone else, which just adds more problems to it all. With that said, I'm done terrorising her. As I said, I've realised that she doesn't love me anymore, and there isn't anything I can do about it, and sending her texts and calling her like a maniac certainly doesn't help.

It just feels so... Unfair, for lack of a better word. She had her fair share of psychological problems that I feel I helped her with during our 2,5 years together, but just when I'm starting to deal with my own problems, she just leaves me, right when I needed her the most.

She said we're too different, but we're really not. The only thing that was stopping me from doing things with her (long trips, walking around in the city, taking the train to her and so on) was my own psychological problems. So we're really not different at all, since I wanted to do those things with her, but my mind stopped me. We share the same taste in music, we both love video games, playing games and just cuddling up together in the couch while watching a movie or something. Hell, now I would even love to go into town to a pub or something with her and her friends. I wanted to back then as well, but my psyche wasn't there. We're really not different at all. I just wish I would get the chance to show her that I actually have changed since then, I'm doing things that I could never see myself do during the time we were together. And I just wish she could be a part of that.

There are so many things I miss, and know that I may never get to do again. Like being at her place, getting a text message as she's on her way home from work, telling me to go outside and wait for her and bring something to drink out for her. Just sitting in front of her apartment in the summer, enjoying a cigarette and talking about random stuff. Being at her place during the summer, seeing her friends and so on. Waking up in the morning, having her beside me, snoring. Seeing her beautiful face as she's waking up. Just laying in bed, cuddling. Feeling her hands on my body or just holding her hand as we were going shopping. Hugging her, kissing her, feeling her skin against mine. I miss so many things so much.

I don't know what hurts the most, the fact that she doesn't love me anymore or the fact that it was all my fault. I didn't understand how important some things were to her, and while I did listen to her when she spoke of it, I just didn't get it. I guess I felt too safe in our relationship. I hate myself deeply for this, since it in turn destroyed the best thing that ever happened to me. I regret that I never got to meet her best friend, I know how important that was to her, and yet I still couldn't do it (it was because it was a long trip to get to her and my psyche couldn't handle that at the time). It's not that I have anything against her (the friend) or anything. I just wish that I would get another chance, since I actually have changed since then, and now I would have happily taken that trip tenfold. Because I truly have changed, and today I wouldn't have the slightest problem with it. As I said, I hate myself for all of this, for taking her for granted, for feeling too safe. And it is so unbelievably hard to handle the fact that it is all my own fault, and I'll never get to show her how much I've changed.

Right now, I'm struggling with just getting her to talk to me at all. But I understand why she doesn't want to right now, I've probably smothered her, what with the maniacal calling and text messaging.

All of these feelings have more or less resulted in me crying every day for about two weeks now. It is so incredibly painful to have the one you love not even want to talk to you. But then again, as I said, I have myself to blame. I guess the only thing that keeps me going is that the future is uncertain, who knows, maybe we'll end up together at some point in the future after all.

If I could do it all again, I never would have taken her for granted. If I had been given another chance, I would have acted very differently.


If my ex reads this, know that I am truly sorry for not doing the things you wanted us to do. I'm truly sorry for all the hardships I've put you through. I'm truly sorry for taking you for granted. I'm truly sorry for everything. I'm so incredibly sorry.




I can still feel you, even so far away...