Should I just give up? Try not to care? Should I just become some hollow shell of a man who doesn't care about anyone or anything as long as he gets what he wants? Is that the winning formula? It sure does seem like it.
I was happy all day, and now I'm just down again, because as usual I've gone ahead and thought too much of too little. Or maybe I'm just doing the same right now?
I'm sure you have no idea what I'm rambling about, so let me fill you in. Since I became a single man I've been aching to get back what I once had. Maybe not from the person that at one point gave it to me, but from someone. I basically want to feel loved again, to feel like I matter, to feel special to someone. This, to me at least, has been an almost impossible task. I don't know if it's because I'm too ugly, too boring or too pathetic. Maybe all of it? As you may or may not know, I have my fair share of problems too, as I have a hard time doing much of anything that requires me to go outside my apartment. Sure, it's better than what it once was, but it's still there, kicking my currently depressed butt.
The thing is, people that I talk to online do not know this about me. So why the hell is it that I'm so god damned uninteresting? It pretty much has to be one of the above mentioned reasons. Add to that a fair amount of sensitivity and uncertainty, and I'm sure what we end up with is what most people would see as a pathetic guy. That has to be the reason, I can't see it being anything but. Or is it just that people of today's society have unreasonably high standards for people they meet?
The few people that I have met have all been very nice people, especially one of them. But there's always something in the way. I won't go in to details since some of the people I'm talking about may actually read this, but rest assured, there is always, always, always something in the way. Something that prevents things from going any further with anyone. And I'm getting pretty god damned sick of it.
Why is it that I only attract people that I could never build something with?
Am I too much of a nice guy? Am I too emotional? Am I too dumb? Too sensitive? What is it that's so wrong with those things? What is so wrong with wanting to feel special?
Why does nothing ever work out for me?
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