Yeah, it's still not gone. I still have extremely strong feelings for my ex. I don't even know what to do with it anymore, I've broken down completely. How can my feelings be so incredibly strong for her, while she has next to none for me? It just feels so hopeless.
I've been acting like an idiot with her lately. I've terrorised her with text-messages, called her obsessively and so on. I know this probably isn't the way to get someone back, or at least making them want to talk to me at all. But as I said, I'm panicing, the realisation that I probably won't ever get her back is just too hard to handle for me. I had such dreams, such hopes, such strong feelings for us. I really thought that she was the one, and I still believe she is to some degree. I also fear that she may have already found someone else, which just adds more problems to it all. With that said, I'm done terrorising her. As I said, I've realised that she doesn't love me anymore, and there isn't anything I can do about it, and sending her texts and calling her like a maniac certainly doesn't help.
It just feels so... Unfair, for lack of a better word. She had her fair share of psychological problems that I feel I helped her with during our 2,5 years together, but just when I'm starting to deal with my own problems, she just leaves me, right when I needed her the most.
She said we're too different, but we're really not. The only thing that was stopping me from doing things with her (long trips, walking around in the city, taking the train to her and so on) was my own psychological problems. So we're really not different at all, since I wanted to do those things with her, but my mind stopped me. We share the same taste in music, we both love video games, playing games and just cuddling up together in the couch while watching a movie or something. Hell, now I would even love to go into town to a pub or something with her and her friends. I wanted to back then as well, but my psyche wasn't there. We're really not different at all. I just wish I would get the chance to show her that I actually have changed since then, I'm doing things that I could never see myself do during the time we were together. And I just wish she could be a part of that.
There are so many things I miss, and know that I may never get to do again. Like being at her place, getting a text message as she's on her way home from work, telling me to go outside and wait for her and bring something to drink out for her. Just sitting in front of her apartment in the summer, enjoying a cigarette and talking about random stuff. Being at her place during the summer, seeing her friends and so on. Waking up in the morning, having her beside me, snoring. Seeing her beautiful face as she's waking up. Just laying in bed, cuddling. Feeling her hands on my body or just holding her hand as we were going shopping. Hugging her, kissing her, feeling her skin against mine. I miss so many things so much.
I don't know what hurts the most, the fact that she doesn't love me anymore or the fact that it was all my fault. I didn't understand how important some things were to her, and while I did listen to her when she spoke of it, I just didn't get it. I guess I felt too safe in our relationship. I hate myself deeply for this, since it in turn destroyed the best thing that ever happened to me. I regret that I never got to meet her best friend, I know how important that was to her, and yet I still couldn't do it (it was because it was a long trip to get to her and my psyche couldn't handle that at the time). It's not that I have anything against her (the friend) or anything. I just wish that I would get another chance, since I actually have changed since then, and now I would have happily taken that trip tenfold. Because I truly have changed, and today I wouldn't have the slightest problem with it. As I said, I hate myself for all of this, for taking her for granted, for feeling too safe. And it is so unbelievably hard to handle the fact that it is all my own fault, and I'll never get to show her how much I've changed.
Right now, I'm struggling with just getting her to talk to me at all. But I understand why she doesn't want to right now, I've probably smothered her, what with the maniacal calling and text messaging.
All of these feelings have more or less resulted in me crying every day for about two weeks now. It is so incredibly painful to have the one you love not even want to talk to you. But then again, as I said, I have myself to blame. I guess the only thing that keeps me going is that the future is uncertain, who knows, maybe we'll end up together at some point in the future after all.
If I could do it all again, I never would have taken her for granted. If I had been given another chance, I would have acted very differently.
If my ex reads this, know that I am truly sorry for not doing the things you wanted us to do. I'm truly sorry for all the hardships I've put you through. I'm truly sorry for taking you for granted. I'm truly sorry for everything. I'm so incredibly sorry.
I can still feel you, even so far away...
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