Stupidity.

I have lots of it. Yesterday I pre-ordered a copy of Mortal Kombat for the PS3, even though I don't have any money at all. But dag nabbit, I need that game! I haven't been interested in the MK franchise for a long, long time, but this time they're bringing it back to basics, which I absolutely love! For the first time in what seems like forever, the next Mortal Kombat game is going to have an M rating, which means a whole lot more blood and gory details, LOVE IT! Coincidentally, Portal 2, which I've had pre-ordered for a while now, releases on the exact same day. This means that I'll be spending a lot of money that I don't even have. Great!



Also, in this writing moment, I have a spongecake waiting for me in the oven. I've been doing a surprising amount of baking this past week, all in the name of saving money. But I'm also enjoying it quite a bit, so it's all good!

Once it's out of the oven I'll be enjoying it, some coffee, IRC and Silent Hill: Shattered Memories.

Laters, people.

Behold!

Glorious bread!

So that was my first attempt at the recipe the wonderful Patsy gave me. And it turned out great! I've since made another batch of it and I'm going to continue to do so for a good while. It's much cheaper than buying bread at the grocery shop, and it definitely tastes better too. Also, it's so god damned easy to make! I don't know why I haven't been doing this until now.

Anyway, BREAD!

Happiness, satisfaction and general awesomeness.

Oh, hi! Hey there! It's been a while, how are things? Good? Great!

Anyway, I am feeling a whole crapload of better since the last time we spoke. No more sadness, no more pain, no more anger. No more of any of those sad, unhappy feelings.

Since last I wrote anything here, I've both met and 'met' a whole bunch of new people, all of them very nice and generally likable people. Which is a great thing because during my period of self-hatred and general "I don't want to fucking live anymore, what's the point in anything?!"-ness, I thought that I would never ever be able to meet new people. Nor that they would actually like spending time with or talking to me. Anyway, since I began meeting new people, both for realz and on the interwebs, I've been feeling a whole hell of a lot better about myself and what the future may hold for me. So.. Yay! And so on...

Anywho, one of these friendly people share my love of video games, which is great, because you don't come across people you actually like that often. And even less, people that also happen to share one of your biggest interests. So me and her have been talking for a while, played a few sessions of Resident Evil 5 online and such. All good fun! And for some reason or another, we came to the subject of the Silent Hill games, which I said I've never played. Then she tells me that she has an unopened, extra copy of Silent Hill: Shattered Memories for the PS2. She offers to send me this copy, which I first thought was a joke, but nope. That lovely person actually did send me an unopened copy of said game for absolutely nothing at all... Needless to say, I'm very happy because of this. Not only because I got a game I wanted to play for free (yay!) but also because it assures me that there is hope for humanity. There actually are genuinely nice people out there, which is just awesome. So a shitload of thankyous to you, Jessica! *snuggles*.

Yeah, that's it... A rather pointless entry in this blog of nonsensical whimsy. But I wanted to write something, so I did. LOGIC!

Also, I'm baking bread.
Peace out!

So...

Yeah, it happened. My ex has apparantly fallen in love again and is currently in a relationship with some other dude. I really don't know what to feel about it, on the one hand, I'm happy because she's happy. But mostly, I'm just fucking pissed off. That just shows how much (or rather little) she ever cared about me. If you're able to go from what we had to being in a relationship this short a time after we broke up, you are a fucking liar. For how long did she string me along before she broke it off? For how long did she lie to me when she said she loved me? Does she enjoy making me feel like complete shit? Does she even understand how fucking incredibly miserable and heartbroken I've been?

I hope that she does one day, and maybe then I could at least get some god damned emotion out of her. I'm not saying I want her back, I'm just fucking pissed off at her behavior towards me the last couple of weeks. Now this comes along and I really don't know what to think. Was it all a lie? Did she ever love me at all? Does she even know what love is?

What I felt for her was real, deep love on the level of "I would fucking give my own life to be with you". And I really would, I would have given up everything for her. She on the other hand... Probably not.

So anyway, right now, I just want to meet her, trade our stuff and talk to her about what's happened. But according to her, not enough time has passed for that. Really? Fucking REALLY?! Not enough time has passed for you to just meet the person you've claimed to be in love with for two and a half years, but enough time has passed for you to fall in love and be in a relationship with someone else? Does that make sense to anyone? Because it sure as hell doesn't to me.



I hope you're happy now, Angelica. I really do. Just understand or at least try to understand what you've done to me, and how you've completely and utterly broken me down. I loved you deeply and truly, with all of my being. And I would have given up my whole life just to be with you, even life itself. I just hope that you realise what it is you've thrown away.

Rough times.

Yeah, it's still not gone. I still have extremely strong feelings for my ex. I don't even know what to do with it anymore, I've broken down completely. How can my feelings be so incredibly strong for her, while she has next to none for me? It just feels so hopeless.

I've been acting like an idiot with her lately. I've terrorised her with text-messages, called her obsessively and so on. I know this probably isn't the way to get someone back, or at least making them want to talk to me at all. But as I said, I'm panicing, the realisation that I probably won't ever get her back is just too hard to handle for me. I had such dreams, such hopes, such strong feelings for us. I really thought that she was the one, and I still believe she is to some degree. I also fear that she may have already found someone else, which just adds more problems to it all. With that said, I'm done terrorising her. As I said, I've realised that she doesn't love me anymore, and there isn't anything I can do about it, and sending her texts and calling her like a maniac certainly doesn't help.

It just feels so... Unfair, for lack of a better word. She had her fair share of psychological problems that I feel I helped her with during our 2,5 years together, but just when I'm starting to deal with my own problems, she just leaves me, right when I needed her the most.

She said we're too different, but we're really not. The only thing that was stopping me from doing things with her (long trips, walking around in the city, taking the train to her and so on) was my own psychological problems. So we're really not different at all, since I wanted to do those things with her, but my mind stopped me. We share the same taste in music, we both love video games, playing games and just cuddling up together in the couch while watching a movie or something. Hell, now I would even love to go into town to a pub or something with her and her friends. I wanted to back then as well, but my psyche wasn't there. We're really not different at all. I just wish I would get the chance to show her that I actually have changed since then, I'm doing things that I could never see myself do during the time we were together. And I just wish she could be a part of that.

There are so many things I miss, and know that I may never get to do again. Like being at her place, getting a text message as she's on her way home from work, telling me to go outside and wait for her and bring something to drink out for her. Just sitting in front of her apartment in the summer, enjoying a cigarette and talking about random stuff. Being at her place during the summer, seeing her friends and so on. Waking up in the morning, having her beside me, snoring. Seeing her beautiful face as she's waking up. Just laying in bed, cuddling. Feeling her hands on my body or just holding her hand as we were going shopping. Hugging her, kissing her, feeling her skin against mine. I miss so many things so much.

I don't know what hurts the most, the fact that she doesn't love me anymore or the fact that it was all my fault. I didn't understand how important some things were to her, and while I did listen to her when she spoke of it, I just didn't get it. I guess I felt too safe in our relationship. I hate myself deeply for this, since it in turn destroyed the best thing that ever happened to me. I regret that I never got to meet her best friend, I know how important that was to her, and yet I still couldn't do it (it was because it was a long trip to get to her and my psyche couldn't handle that at the time). It's not that I have anything against her (the friend) or anything. I just wish that I would get another chance, since I actually have changed since then, and now I would have happily taken that trip tenfold. Because I truly have changed, and today I wouldn't have the slightest problem with it. As I said, I hate myself for all of this, for taking her for granted, for feeling too safe. And it is so unbelievably hard to handle the fact that it is all my own fault, and I'll never get to show her how much I've changed.

Right now, I'm struggling with just getting her to talk to me at all. But I understand why she doesn't want to right now, I've probably smothered her, what with the maniacal calling and text messaging.

All of these feelings have more or less resulted in me crying every day for about two weeks now. It is so incredibly painful to have the one you love not even want to talk to you. But then again, as I said, I have myself to blame. I guess the only thing that keeps me going is that the future is uncertain, who knows, maybe we'll end up together at some point in the future after all.

If I could do it all again, I never would have taken her for granted. If I had been given another chance, I would have acted very differently.


If my ex reads this, know that I am truly sorry for not doing the things you wanted us to do. I'm truly sorry for all the hardships I've put you through. I'm truly sorry for taking you for granted. I'm truly sorry for everything. I'm so incredibly sorry.




I can still feel you, even so far away...

A little late, but its coming.

I'm referring the Game of the Year feature I'll post as soon as I can. I've been through a rough time emotionally and I'm still going through it, but it's getting more manageable, at least for now. Now you at least know why its a little late, but I will write it up and post it soon-ish.

Right now I'm just going to go through and play some of the games that came out last year to refresh my memory of some of them. After that I'll deliberate with myself on which games will make it.

A heads up though, it won't be a typical top 10 games of the year, but rather a "these are the 10 best games that I played during 2010"-thing. So there might be some odd choices in there, due to me not having played some of the games regarded as GotY material.

So, yeah. Another sappy update.

As you may or may not be aware, my ex girlfriend, the love of my life has broken up with me. This is a situation that I am not capable of handling, it is also the most painful thing I have ever experienced and it shows no signs of going away any time soon.

So in an attempt to remedy the situation, I've deleted her from pretty much everywhere where I might be reminded of her. That is my Facebook account, msn messenger, my phone contacts and various online communitys. There is no telling if this will work or not, but I guess time will tell. At least, for now, she only exists in my memories and thoughts, of which there will still be plenty.

I did this because I can't handle the thought of her being with someone else, and she already is, so as soon as I see her or a picture of her, I just keep remembering the good times we had, the good times I looked forward to and what hopes I had for the future. All of them being destroyed, since I know that she's experiencing the same thing, but with someone else. It has been about a month since she broke up with me, and I have been absolutely devastated, and I still am. I love her so god damned much it isn't even possible to put into words. And if you've ever felt that kind of love for someone, you know what I'm talking about. To have someone you love that much telling you that she doesn't want to be with you is so excrutiatingly painful it's hard to describe. This is how it is for me right know, while at the same time knowing that she has already moved on, spending time and enjoying herself with other people already. The fact that she's already doing all these things makes me feel incredibly worthless, like I never mattered at all to her. Which does seem to be the case, at least judging from her behaviour to me. So while I'm sitting here, alone and crying myself to sleep almost every single night, she's off seeing other guys, which again, makes me feel like I never meant anything at all. She claims she loves me, but still does things like that? That doesn't make sense to me at all, and just contributes to my feelings of worthlessness.

So what I'm doing now is trying to accept the fact that the love of my life doesn't want to be with me. I'm getting that, but I can't accept it, since I still believe that she has feelings for me somewhere. I still hold to my claim that it is her god damned job that ruined everything, since she couldn't handle that and a long distance relationship at the same time. And to top that off, today I find out that she will be getting a new job that won't be as stressful, why couldn't that have happened a couple of months ago? If it had, we would probably still be together, but, nope, I can't get that.. I don't deserve happiness I guess.

Anyway, I'm trying to imagine my future without her, which is almost even more depressing than how things are now. Basically, I will be alone, because I probably won't ever be able to love again. Because the only person I have that kind of love for doesn't want to be with me at all. So I'll be alone and miserable, while she will probably be with some guy who doesn't love her as much as I do, because I doubt that's possible. Regardless, she has already moved on, and there is no reason to believe that she won't find someone new, since she already has.

I really don't know what to say... I'm miserable, and there is no chance of coming out of it at all. If I'm still alive, I'll see you next time. If not, you'll know what happened.


And lastly, if my ex reads this... Know that I love you with all my being. You are the most important thing that has ever happened to me, and I just wish you would get your head toegether and realise that you still have feelings for me, because I know that you do. I would have given up everything for you, if only I had been given the chance, and I still would.

I truly love you.