So, yeah. Another sappy update.

As you may or may not be aware, my ex girlfriend, the love of my life has broken up with me. This is a situation that I am not capable of handling, it is also the most painful thing I have ever experienced and it shows no signs of going away any time soon.

So in an attempt to remedy the situation, I've deleted her from pretty much everywhere where I might be reminded of her. That is my Facebook account, msn messenger, my phone contacts and various online communitys. There is no telling if this will work or not, but I guess time will tell. At least, for now, she only exists in my memories and thoughts, of which there will still be plenty.

I did this because I can't handle the thought of her being with someone else, and she already is, so as soon as I see her or a picture of her, I just keep remembering the good times we had, the good times I looked forward to and what hopes I had for the future. All of them being destroyed, since I know that she's experiencing the same thing, but with someone else. It has been about a month since she broke up with me, and I have been absolutely devastated, and I still am. I love her so god damned much it isn't even possible to put into words. And if you've ever felt that kind of love for someone, you know what I'm talking about. To have someone you love that much telling you that she doesn't want to be with you is so excrutiatingly painful it's hard to describe. This is how it is for me right know, while at the same time knowing that she has already moved on, spending time and enjoying herself with other people already. The fact that she's already doing all these things makes me feel incredibly worthless, like I never mattered at all to her. Which does seem to be the case, at least judging from her behaviour to me. So while I'm sitting here, alone and crying myself to sleep almost every single night, she's off seeing other guys, which again, makes me feel like I never meant anything at all. She claims she loves me, but still does things like that? That doesn't make sense to me at all, and just contributes to my feelings of worthlessness.

So what I'm doing now is trying to accept the fact that the love of my life doesn't want to be with me. I'm getting that, but I can't accept it, since I still believe that she has feelings for me somewhere. I still hold to my claim that it is her god damned job that ruined everything, since she couldn't handle that and a long distance relationship at the same time. And to top that off, today I find out that she will be getting a new job that won't be as stressful, why couldn't that have happened a couple of months ago? If it had, we would probably still be together, but, nope, I can't get that.. I don't deserve happiness I guess.

Anyway, I'm trying to imagine my future without her, which is almost even more depressing than how things are now. Basically, I will be alone, because I probably won't ever be able to love again. Because the only person I have that kind of love for doesn't want to be with me at all. So I'll be alone and miserable, while she will probably be with some guy who doesn't love her as much as I do, because I doubt that's possible. Regardless, she has already moved on, and there is no reason to believe that she won't find someone new, since she already has.

I really don't know what to say... I'm miserable, and there is no chance of coming out of it at all. If I'm still alive, I'll see you next time. If not, you'll know what happened.


And lastly, if my ex reads this... Know that I love you with all my being. You are the most important thing that has ever happened to me, and I just wish you would get your head toegether and realise that you still have feelings for me, because I know that you do. I would have given up everything for you, if only I had been given the chance, and I still would.

I truly love you.