I tried and I failed.

So, this last Tuesday I decided to take the night train up to Gävle to see if me and my ex could work things through. We had talked online for a good many hours about it and decided to try it once more. So the week started out great, it was so good to see her again and I thought things could work out between us this time. She was happy, I was happy. The last two days though, not so much.. She basically said that she wanted me to go home and didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore. I personally can't figure out what happened, but something must have, because people just don't up and change how they feel over night. So now I'm sitting here in Gävle, in her room, in complete silence... And I hate it. I feel like shit and I'm supposed to sit on a train home tomorrow. I feel like I'm going to throw up constantly. Like a huge boulder is in my stomach, dying to get out.

Anyway, I really thought it would work out this time, and I've changed for her.. But apparantly things "don't feel like they used to". She says there's nothing I can do about it and she doesn't want to be with me. Which isn't at all what I wanted. I really love her! Otherwise I wouldn't have taken a 10 hour train ride (I hate riding trains!) to see her. Before, I couldn't even do something simple as riding the bus with her (I hate riding buses as well). But this time, I went with her to her school, just to show her that I've changed.. That I'm willing to do things I wouldn't do before. I'd do anything for her, I really would.. But.. It's not like you can force someone to love you. But hey, at least I tried.

New site!

So, I've decided to make another site for showing off and trying to sell som of my photographic works. Since I'm broke as shit, I figured I might as well try, even if I doubt anything will ever come of it.

Anyway, here it is! Jopphotography. Check it!

My sincerest apologies.

To anyone I may have hurt in my last post. I was just really, really pissed off at the time and I wrote what was on my mind as it came to me. To anyone that might have taken it personally, please don't. I have nothing against any of you. If anything, I have something against myself, and I guess when it all comes down to it, I was really angry with myself. Not any of you.

Once again, my sincerest apologies.

Fucking fuck FUCK!

Why is it that NOTHING ever works out for me? What is wrong with me?! During this, another one of my sleepless nights, I started thinking about bitches. More precisely, the bitches I've loved over the years. So the first one I meet, lives like a kagillion fucking miles away, that should have been a sure sign that thing would never work out. But did that stop me? NOOOOOOO! So we were a couple for like 2-2,5 years and then she dumps me (what a shock, eh?) for this guy with his fancypants car and job and god knows what else. So... Why? What was so fucking wrong with me?!  I was under the impressions that love conquers all, but noooo, I'm not good enough or whatever the reason was! Fucking ass fuck ass!

On to the next lady, who I met through a fucking sexsite, we talked and got along real well. And then BAM! Turns out shes married and has two kids, so that's never going to work out, right? WRONG!!! We started seeing eachother, exchanging our bodily fluids with animalistic fervor, and so on. Then BAM! Again, the name she said was her name, isn't even her real name! Did that bring up any warning signs for me? HEEEEEELL to the no! So we were a couple for like 6 months (in other words, I was probably used as some summer plaything) and then I was dumped agaaaaaain, woooo!!! So now she's with this guy, presumably with some fancypants howdy doody job or whatever makes him more attractive than me. Aaaaaanyway, that sent me into another great depression that lasted almost as long as the last one. It was so funny to cry myself to sleep at night, feeling like a zombie during the days. Because, what was the point of anything, really.

Fast forward, I meet this other (substantially younger) girl trhough Skype.. We talk, get along, we meet... But hey, guess what? SHE LIVES FUCKING FURTHER AWAY THAN THE FIRST GIRL I MET!!! FUCK YEAH! Did it stop me? Heeeeell to the no! We were a couple for about 6 months, then I, being the fucktard that I am, decides that it would be best to break things off because of the distance between us.

So where does this leave me? Fucking ALONE! Yeah, great, wooo fucketty fuck fuck fuck!

I just don't fucking get women. What is it about me that is so fucking despicable that I turn everyone away? Is it because I don't have job? Is it because I don't have a car? Is it because I'm too serious? Is it because I don't like drinking my ass off every god damned weekend? All of these fucking trivial things ARE NOT FUCKING IMPORTANT!!!! Am I the only one that sees that? Really? Isn't there ANYONE with a god damned vagina out there who agrees with me? The things that should matter in a relationship are things that you love about the person you're with! Not what fucking job he has or what car he drives or how much alcohol his body can take! GOOD GOD! Everyone is just fucking fucked!

Also, have you tried talking to women online? THEY'RE FUCKING INSANE!!!! If you aren't covered in tattoos and piercings you're not interesting. Like at all! Oh and let's not forget, to even have a chance of speaking with them, your FUCKING DICK has to be AT LEAST 30 centimeters long! I mean, who the fuck do they think they are? Some god-like creature that can set insane standards for themselves?! Stupid shallow fucking bitches! ALL OF THEM!!

I've said it before and I'll probably say it again: I loved these women like they've never been, or ever will be, loved.

Where does that ge me? FUCKING NOWHERE! Maybe I'm just too old fashioned or something, I don't know. I guess this world wasn't made for lovers. Because love, in the most sincere and true meaning of the word, doesn't fucking exist.

Maybe I should just become the fucking douchebag all the bitches want me to be?


Peace out! I fucking hate you all!

In the summertime, when the weather is fine.

So, since I last wrote anything in this blog of mine, summer has come and almost gone already. And for me, this summer has been a great one. I've been up to all sorts of shenanigans, I've played some games, spent a couple of weeks at my girlfriends house, gotten myself pet rats and.. Well that's pretty much it.

So yeah, I spent about 3 weeks at my girlfriends house with her and her family. It was awesome! She lives in Gävle, which is now the most northern point in Sweden that I've ever been. I felt a bit like Sam in The Fellowship of The Ring when he's just setting out on his journey with Frodo. "If I take one more step, it'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been". Which isn't quite true for me, since I've been to France, which is much further away than Gävle. But if we're strictly talking within the confines of Sweden, it's very true. So that's awesome! Anyway, those three weeks turned out great. I got along really well with her family and all of their pets, which includes four dogs and... I don't remember how many, but a lot of pet rats :D. At first I didn't think I'd be able to handle it as well as I did, since I have "issues" when it comes to travelling long distances and being away from home. But it worked out fantastically, the trip went perfect, I didn't panic about not being close to home and yeah, I got along really well with everyone. And even though we didn't particularly do anything while I was there, I had a really good time. I guess that goes to show that if you're with someone you love, it doesn't really matter what you do, as long as you're together. Other than that, it was also nice to be able to see another part of Sweden.

Oh, right! While we were up there in Gävle, I actually saw my first movie in 3D, which was cool and all. But with all the hype that's been on the media about 3D, I honeslt expected more than what it was. I mean, sure, cool effects and all, but I could have been just as happy about seeing the movie in regular old ass 2D. The movie we saw was The Amazing Spider-Man, which wasn't quite as amazing as the title would suggest, but it was alright.

That wasn't the only place where I was with my girlfriend though, as before we took the trip up to Gävle, she spent about three weeks with me at my place, and after Gävle, she came down with me for another two weeks. So I've pretty much spent the entire summer with her, which is just awesome!

When she came with me back home again, we also brought two of her pet rats with us and they are now settled in with me. They really seem to like their new home and the much calmer environment. Even if they constantly argue with eachother about who's the boss. From what I've heard, though, that's just what rats do. It's a constant struggle for dominance between them, but at least they aren't doing it to hurt eachother, so it's a fairly normal thing for rats to do. Furthermore, I really like having pets, even if they aren't a cat which I had my mind set on. My rats are just so damned cute that it doesn't matter.


Other than all that, I've listened to a lot of vinyl records that my dad gave me, bought some new ones and some old ones to add to my collection. And you know, I really can't go back to mp3's now. I mean sure, I can listen to mp3's if I have to, but if I have the option I'll just buy the album vinyl. Why? Because as I've written in a previous post, the quality is just... Fantastic! It's like night and day in comparison. Even CD's doesn't even come close to the quality to that of a vinyl record. Not only that, but listening to an album on vinyl really does have a certain feel about it. It's like you're kind of forced to really listen to what you're hearing. Well, you're not forced, but I guess what I'm saying is that you can't just skip songs. And that's something you should never do when listening to an album you haven't heard before. You can miss so much of what the band/artists are actually trying to say through their music.

Speaking of which, I've ordered the new Gojira album, which is just... An amazing album. I highly recommend that you all listen to it. It has been a long time since music made me feel the way I do when I listen to it.

I've also spent a lot of time with one of.. Well the only close friend I really have, and that's always awesome. I'm happy that he and his girlfriend, which I also consider my friend are in my life. As there are few (none) people that I'd rather spend time with.

On a more weird and , sadder note as regards to friends. One of my older friends with whom I don't spend much time with anymore, has seemingly begun to dislike having me around. Which is just... Weird, and sad. Because even if I don't spend a lot of time with him anymore, I've always considered him as a close friend, since we've known eachother since first grade. Lately though, it's as he doesn't want anything to do with me, which actually hurts me a lot. I don't know where that came from or what it's about. Hopefully it'll change and we might get a chance to talk about it, but as it is now, it's just... weird. I hope it turns out for the better though, because I really don't want to lose him as a friend.


Right then! Games! To be honest, I really haven't played all that much during the summer. I guess it's a combination of there simply not being anything of interest out during the summer and me spending a lot of time with my girlfriend. Although I did buy and play The Amazing Spider-Man while I was in Gävle, and just as it's move counterpart, it's not as amazing as the title would suggest. It was fun though, and it had a lot in common with the last Spider-Man game I played, Spider-Man 2 for the Xbox. Just swinging around the city is surprisingly fun in both.

Other than that, I've recently started playing Persona 4 for the PS2 (even though I'm playing on my PS3) and that game is... Weird. I like it though, as I'm still playing it. It's like a mix of traditional JRPG's and a social sim, which makes for an odd combination, but as I said, it's really fun. Also, the games reaks of Japan, which is always funny in it's own odd way.




I guess that's it for this time. I've had a great summer, and I feel like I've grown as a person during it.

Oh and if you're wondering about the title, It's from an old song which I'm guessing everyone has heard, In The Summertime by Mungo Jerry. But more importantly, I chose that because of an awesome cover that Todd Hansen recently did. Even if it isn't the same song, that song reminded me of the song I'm referencing in my title. It's weird, I know, but there you go. That, and it's true. The weather is fine in the summertime :D.


Til next time, peace!

So, it's been a while. Again.

Since the last time I wrote here, there's been a lot going on in my life. Kind of. The reason for this abscense is mainly due to me not having dealt with the breakup of me and my ex girlfriend. Even though I said I was over, I wasn't. I just didn't feel like writing anything, because anything I could write about has already been written. With that said, now I really am over her. I am over her, but not it, because I'm still really hurt by the way she treated me. And I still really miss her kids sometimes. Though from what I hear, they're all doing great, so I'm happy for them. And I'm happy with my own life and myself as well.

So what I have been up to? Well, the usual I guess, playing games, sitting around, studying math and hanging with friends. On top of that, a while ago I was introduced to a group of people on Skype through a friend of mine. For a while, this group of people were really awesome, and I looked forward to talking to them every day, which we did. We all worked really good together and it was fun. Not too long after that, everything started going to shit, and I guess partly due to me doing what I did.

Among this little group, there was one person who I got a strange attraction to. We got along really well and had an easy time talking about pretty much anything, which we did. This lead to us feeling really comfortable with each other and joking about stuff. One thing we used to joke about was how we could have sex and kiss and how much we loved each other and such. But because I was in a relationship with the person who introduced me to the group, it was questioned by another certain person in the group. To which I answered something along the lines of "Well, what she doesn't know won't hurt her". This, at the time, was of course all jokes. But it sure as hell was not appreciated by my then girlfriend. Which I fully understand, and I shouldn't have acted the way I did, even if it were all jokes and fun.

During this time I was together with the friend who introduced me to the group on Skype. Me and her had been seeing each other occaisonally for a while and we decided to be a couple. A decision that was poorly made on both our parts, I think. Sure, I had feelings for her, but I guess they weren't what I thought they were. Only about two or three weeks into that relationship, we talked about it and came to the conclusion that we weren't actually in love with each other and decided to end it. This was true for me the whole time, but I'm not sure it was for her. I wouldn't even count it as a real relationship, because it sure didn't feel like it.

After all of that, me and the person whom I connected really well with got much closer. We started talking on Skype in private, away from the group. And this in turn led to jealousy (I think) from the person who I referred to as "this certain person". A while after that, me and Johanna (the one I got close to) decided that we would meet in real life. So, upon learning this, the jealous person and my I guess ex-girlfriend (even though I don't count her as one) started conspiring against both me and Johanna. They actively tried to ruin our relationship, going behind our backs and more or less making stuff up about me to scare Johanna off from meeting me.

Anyway, all of this has lead to me not talking to either my friend, nor the group on Skype. What I have walked with though, is a new love. In case it wasn't blatantly obvious, it's Johanna, who is now my girlfriend. And the main reason for me feeling generally happy again.

So, while it sucks that some people are so selfish that they want to ruin other peoples' lives, I really don't want anything to do with people that are like that. Still, it's a shame things turned out the way they did. But I'm happy, I've met someone I've fallen in love with, and someone that loves being with me as much as I love being with her. So in the end, it's all good.

Until next time, have a good one!

By the Swedes, for the Swedes.

So I just finished playing through The Darkness again. I haven't touched it since I finished it the last time, which was back in 2007 when it was released. I still think it's a fantastic and heavily underappreciated game.

Anyway, since the game is made by Starbreeze Studios, a swedish developer, there is a lot of grafitti and lettering spread about the game that is in swedish. So while playing through it this time, I acitvely looked for swedish words around the world. This is what I found.

"HATA ALLA!" Or "Hate everyone!".

"AIK", A swedish soccer team.

Hard to make out, but it says "Katt", which means "Cat".

"TANT", a word used in swedish for "old lady".

"SLAKT". Which means "Slaughter".

Not really swedish words, but at least it's swedish something. It says "Swedish Smorgasbord take-out" :D.

"Herr. A". Which is pretty much "Mr. A".

Not really a swedish word either, but "øl" is Danish for "Beer".

"Bjorn", almost "Björn", which means "Bear".

"STATY!", meaning "Statue!". And "FRITÖS?", meaning "Fryer?".

Advertisement for some band called "POLIS BATONG", which means "Police baton".

"STHLM". And Abbreviation for "Stockholm".

"ruttengubbe", basically meaning something along the lines of "rotten old man".

Not really a word, but a name. "Krille P". "Krille" is a common nickname for someone named "Kristian".

An english and a swedish word. "FOLK", meaning "People".
 

"GULDTAND", meaning "Gold tooth".

"LÅST", meaning "Locked".

"RUMPA", meaning "Ass". As in, someone's ass, not someone being an ass.

"Skurk!", basically meaning "Thief", "Bad guy" or "Villain".

I don't think this is an actual word, but it says "Läskväska" which would mean something like "Soda bag".

"Hårdrock", meaning "Hard rock". As in music, not an actual rock.

A picture of a bear with the word "Björn", meaning "Bear".

"KULT", meaning "Cult". Or it could mean that something has had a cultural impact on society.

"BÄVER", meaning "Beaver".

I'm sure there are more, but these are the ones that I could find. It was fun looking for all of them, because none of it makes any darned sense :P.

Love thrown away.

I saw this Valentines card lying thrown away in the snow today. And it really hurt me. Someone made the effort to make this card for someone, and the person who received it just threw it away. It really reminds me of my breakup with my ex, since it's pretty much the same deal. It still hurts a lot.

Ahh, sweet relief, how I've longed for the!

So, yeah, that whole thing about me being depressed as fuck over my ex. Totally gone! I'm over her, and I'm feeling pretty damned good! Woooo!

Awesome, right? Totally awesome. Anyway, not a whole lot has been happening with me lately. The long break in posting is due to that whole ex thing, but since early this week, I've gotten completely over it. So now I'm all good again. Ready to start anew and getting back to just being me. I fucking love it!

As I said, not a whole lot has been happening, I've pretty much just cleaned up my apartment a bit and moved some crap out of here. Which is really nice, since my apartment isn't that big. It feels a bit more spacious now. Hmm, right now, in this writing moment, I'm really in a situation where I don't know what to write, so you'll have to bare with me here.

Oh, if there's anything I have done it's watching a lot of movies, mostly comedies for some reason. I've been watching movies that I've heard good things about but never got around to actually see. Until now that is. Other than that, I've gone ahead and bought a fourth copy of one of my favorite games; Resident Evil 4. Although, this time it's on the Xbox 360, and in HD, and I hadn't played it in a while, so I thought: What the hell. Oh and there's also achievements, woo! So I guess I've been playing that as well.

Also, yesterday (Saturday) I met a very nice lady, who I got along really well with. She came over, we watched Paranormal Activity 3 and played some Left 4 Dead 2. After that, we pretty much just talked about random crap for about two hours, so that was awesome. And I'm meeting her again tomorrow, which is also.. You guessed it. Awesome!

Anyway, this post is pointless, but I felt like writing, so there you go.

Post traumatic death syndrome.

That title really doesn't have anything to do with anything at all. It just popped up in my head while I was trying to think of a good title for this post. Funny how that works, eh?


Anyway, nothing is new really, I just felt like writing. Well I guess something is new, but nothing directly related to me. I've just gotten myself some new crap that I'm very happy to own.

So, last Sunday I ordered myself a new laptop and subsequently, on Monday, I went to Malmö to pick it up. While being in the stressful city of Malmö I took a detour into a record store looking for some vinyls. Of course they didn't have anything I was initially looking for, and whenever I found a label of something I wanted, guess what? Sold out! It's not all bad though, because I did find some gems in there, four of them even. I was there with my dad and while I was browsing around their big room of vinyls, my dad yells out "Nine Inch Nails!". Which of course got my attention. It turns out that they had just gotten a copy of The Downward Spiral in, and it seems to be an original 1994 print as well. I'm not sure, but it looks like it could be. On top of that it is in absolute pristine shape too, the cover has no markings or signs of wear and tear anywhere, nor does the actual records. So I grabbed that and I also found a copy of Depeche Mode - Some Great Reward, Depeche Mode - Black Celebration (which I'm listening to right now, Stripped, baby!) and Mike Oldfield - Tubular Bells. All those for the price of 414 SEK isn't too bad in my humble opinion. I'm really happy with that purchase.

Behold!

Oh, and on Sunday I'm meeting someone (yes, a lady) I've been talking to on Skype for quite a while. It seems like it could be a lot of fun, since we share a lot of common interests and get a long really well on Skype. So in theory, it seems only logical that it would work out in real life as well. In any case, I'm looking forward to it.

Lastly, this year there will be a list of my favorite games of 2011, unlike last year when I said there would but there wasn't. I just need to finish up some games I'm currently playing so I know what the hell I will be writing about.

Other than that, everything is still pretty much the same. I still miss my ex girlfriend and her adorable kids. I miss them all a lot.

So that's it for this time, I tip my hat to the.

Love - a fucking paradox.

Love can be the most wonderful thing in the world, and it can be one of the most painful.

Such is the life of this shell of a man I call myself right now. As my previous posts has stated, my now ex girlfriend has broken up with me. It has been almost a month since she did, and I am still devastated. I can't sleep, I can't eat and I can't really think of anything else but her. To clarify, this is a woman that I love in the truest sense if the word. I mean LOVE. I absolutely and unequivocally love her. There is literally nothing I wouldn't do to be with her again.

What makes all this so hard for me (except for the fact that she broke up with me) is that I simply don't understand any of it. She literally told me that she loved me the day before she broke up with me. Didn't that mean anything to her? Were they just empty words? How can things change over the course of one night? Adding further to this is that she just doesn't seem to care, not the slightest. Sure, I'm no angel and I said things that probably shouldn't have been said. Still, I'm finding it hard to understand why she now outright refuses to talk with me. No answer when I call, text or e-mail her. Nothing. It's like she simply doesn't care at all about me.

During the last few days, her updates on Facebook suggested with high probability that she has already met someone else. Upon asking her about it in a friendy but direct manner, I simply got threatened instead of getting an answer. I'm definitely no Mr. Perfect but I sure as hell deserve an answer. I haven't really done anything that warrants me being treated like this. All I've ever done is loving her.

If it's true that she has met someone, I can't help but wonder if I ever meant anything at all to her. Because if you say you love someone, how the hell can you forget that person and move on in less than three weeks? Especially when you say that you don't want to be in a relationship right now, and that you need time to yourself. It just doesn't make any sense to me. Unless ofcourse those words meant nothing to her. It also makes me wonder if its someone she met while we were together and straight up lied about it and cheated on me. I seriously doubt that's the case, but at least it would make sense.

Furthermore, it's like she's a completely different person now, like I don't know her at all. Did I ever know her? Was it all an act? Is the person she is now the real her? Or is what I'm seeing now the act?

I'm going out of my mind trying to handle all of it. But the sad fact is that she now doesn't want anything to do with me at all, and I will probably never get the answers I so desperately want. She's ignoring me even though she said she really wanted to be really good friends.

I just can't see a friendship based on lies and secrecy working.

I can really only hope that all of this is just thoughts and speculation. In all honesty, I have a hard time imagining that she would do these things. Stranger things have happened though, and as I said I'll probably never find out.

I just hope that she'll talk to me again some day and maybe then we can sort this whole mess out.

Until then though, I am devastated.

Ok, so.. Gibberish and shock.

That was pretty much what my last post was about. Well, I shouldn't say gibberish, more of a ramble based on emotions. Today I talked to her for a bit and things were more... Rational in my mind. Even though I still don't understand one of the reasons she had for breaking up with me. She's depressed and needs time to herself, which I totally understand to a 100%. The part I can not for the life of me figure out is that she said she hadn't loved anyone as much as she loved me. Then she also said that she doesn't think that we could ever be together because we're too different. Upon asking how we're different, there was no answer except that it "feels like it". I really don't get that at all. I really, really though we had something special, and I could really see a future with her, and I still can if she should decide to change her mind. To me, we were getting along so well, and her kids really seemed to like me too, as I did them. We had planned on spending Christmas ever togehter, but I guess that's down the gutter now, so I'll guess that I'll spending it alone this year. And that really sucks, because I was really looking forward to that, to spending the winter with her and her kids. Playing out in the snow with them and all that. I had so much hope for us, I really did.

I've never felt the way I do for her before, and I hope from the bottom of my heart that she'll get better and maybe want to try again. Because if she does love me the way she says she does, I can't really see any reason for us not being together.

Although it would probably be stupid to hope for anything along those lines. I guess I'm not destined to be loved. I just give and give and give, but always seem to get thrown away. 

"Love youuuuuu!" :).

You know...

That thing about me being happy? Well scratch that. My... I guess ex-girlfriend now just texted me and I guess she broke up with me. And once again I'm left here a hollow shell of a man not knowing what the hell is going on. What's wrong with me? What is it about me that makes everyone I love turn away from me?! WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WRONG?! Just like the last time I was dumped by a text message, I really have no idea what the hell is going on. I mean, everything was fine, I was in love and so was she.. Or at least I though she was. She dropped that bomb on me and the went on to say that she can't talk right now because she isn't at home and asked if we couldn't talk in a few days. Now what does that mean? Is this a repeat of last time? It sure as hell wouldn't surprise me if it was... How the fucking hell can you do that to someone?! Jesus Christ... I guess it's back to being depressed for about half a year now again.. Wohoooo! Fucking great. And just when I thought she loved me as much as I loved her...

Well I'm off to bed to cry myself to sleep now... Laters.

Waves of nothingness, and then some!

Have you ever heard a song or a piece of music that just enthralls you with it's sheer beauty? I have, and I just did. I had put on my Spotify playlist on random as I was messing around trying to organize my closet and a small little room I have in my kitchen. Anyway, while I was out taking a break and having a smoke, this song started. And it always has the same effect on me, I immediately got goosebumps all over my body. The thing is, I don't really associate this song with any fond memories, nor does it make me think of anything special. Yet it has this effect on me. I find it fascinating that a piece of music can do this to you, that someone has put together a bunch of notes that later becomes soundwaves affecting your entire body.

So what else is new, you ask? Well, you probably aren't asking, but you know what? I'm going to tell you anyway! The short answer would be; Not a whole lot. Life just keeps on rolling along as it always has, which is a good thing, because I'm enjoying the hell out of it right now. So from that I guess you could deduce that I am still in a general happy mood, still very much in love and just loving the shit out of everything right now. Well, except for a few things, but who the hell cares, right?

Also, it is November and anyone remotely interested in video games knows what that means. We're all broke-ass-broke, because all the big games decide to come out this month. Or maybe it's just me that's stupi enough to buy them all? Hmm, quite the conundrum... Anyway, I've been playing a whole hell of a lot of The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim since this Monday, and put about 60 hours into it so far. And I'm showing no signs of stopping anytime soon. Some might think that makes me a crazy person, but I assure you, I am not! (You'll see! You'll all see!) No, the reason I've been playing so much of it is simply because it is god damned really fucking great game. It's as simple as that. I'm playing as a Dark Elf who is currently at level 29 and is primarily a mage/rogue type thing. I use a lot of spells, a lot of one handed weapons and a lot of bows, so I'm whatever that makes me. Also, to give you a sense of how insanely huge this game is, I've barely touched the main quests, even though I've spent 60 hours in the game doing subquests and miscellaneous quests (kind of sub-subquests). How's that for a metric shit-ton of content?

And right after I'm done with that (if ever) I've also gotten myself Assassin's Creed: Revelations, which I haven't even touched yet. Although I've heard mostly good things, there has been some negativity directed towards it. Mainly about it not being as revealing as the title suggests and that it kind of feels like we've had enough of Ezio. I'm still looking forward to playing it though, so here's hoping.


Oh, and I've also started listening to vinyl records, something I regret I haven't done before. Because the quality of those records, god damnit and jesus christ! It is so much better than both CD's and mp3's. So now I've got a player right next to my monitor and I've bought a couple of vinyls of my own. Though I've only gotten 2 of the 4 vinyls I've ordered.

And lastly but definitely not leastly. My first official christmas decoration is up!

Peace out, bitches!

Happy, happy, happy!

Ah, the good times are finally a rollin'. Since the last time I wrote in this rambled mess of a blog, a lot of things has changed for me. First and foremost, I've met someone very special to me. I'm actually in love again, something I never thought would happen. Other than that I've started to feel much better in general, probably because of the fact that I've started taking my medication and also because I'm in a new relationship and very much in love. So in short, happy pills + happy mood = happiness! I've also started reading up on some school work that I didn't finish back when I was supposed to, so as I said, there's a lot of things going on right now, and I for one am loving it.

My special ladyfriend also has two kids, both of which I get along very well with. I like them, and they really seem to like me too. That said, it's kind of hard adjusting to the role of "part time dad". It's not like I don't enjoy it, because I really do. It's mostly because there are so many things you aren't used to consider when you don't have any kids of your own. And then there's the whole 'getting up insanely early in the mornings'-thing too, but still, I really enjoy it. Truth be told, it's hard not to be happy around them. It's all really worth it.

Recently I've bought a bunch of new stuff for my apartment. Including a big-ass couch that also functions as a realy comfortable bed. While that might sound like a bad idea, it's actually much bigger and much more comfortable than my old bed. On top that, it makes my apartment look so much better than what it used to, since I've been able to get rid of both my old bed and my old couch. Other than the new couch, I also bought a canvas painting, a new super-comfortable chair and a new lamp. I've also gotten rid of my old game-related posters and replaced them with more artsy stuff. Oh, and I've put up some shelves as well. All in all, I freaking love my apartment! Now if I only had the money to buy a bigger TV and a proper surround sound system... Oh well, all in due time I guess.

I've also started smoking the waterpipe, which I enjoy a whole lot. So much so that I've actualy gone and bought my self a new pipe, just three days after I tried my first one. It's a very relaxing activity, especially if you're doing it with a group of friends or someone you love.

In this writing moment, I'm sitting next to my girlfriend in her new apartment, watching The Matrix Reloaded, which kind of sucks. But anything's good in her company, so I'm happy anyway. I always am when I'm with her. We've only just sat down after having moved hers kids' bed into her new place, which turned out to be much more complicated than we had thought. Things always are, aren't they?



And with that, I'll leave you to whatever you were doing before you took a gander at the concoction that is my life. Peace out, y'all!

Why does nothing ever work out for me?

Should I just give up? Try not to care? Should I just become some hollow shell of a man who doesn't care about anyone or anything as long as he gets what he wants? Is that the winning formula? It sure does seem like it.

I was happy all day, and now I'm just down again, because as usual I've gone ahead and thought too much of too little. Or maybe I'm just doing the same right now?

I'm sure you have no idea what I'm rambling about, so let me fill you in. Since I became a single man I've been aching to get back what I once had. Maybe not from the person that at one point gave it to me, but from someone. I basically want to feel loved again, to feel like I matter, to feel special to someone. This, to me at least, has been an almost impossible task. I don't know if it's because I'm too ugly, too boring or too pathetic. Maybe all of it? As you may or may not know, I have my fair share of problems too, as I have a hard time doing much of anything that requires me to go outside my apartment. Sure, it's better than what it once was, but it's still there, kicking my currently depressed butt.

The thing is, people that I talk to online do not know this about me. So why the hell is it that I'm so god damned uninteresting? It pretty much has to be one of the above mentioned reasons. Add to that a fair amount of sensitivity and uncertainty, and I'm sure what we end up with is what most people would see as a pathetic guy. That has to be the reason, I can't see it being anything but. Or is it just that people of today's society have unreasonably high standards for people they meet?

The few people that I have met have all been very nice people, especially one of them. But there's always something in the way. I won't go in to details since some of the people I'm talking about may actually read this, but rest assured, there is always, always, always something in the way. Something that prevents things from going any further with anyone. And I'm getting pretty god damned sick of it.

Why is it that I only attract people that I could never build something with?


Am I too much of a nice guy? Am I too emotional? Am I too dumb? Too sensitive? What is it that's so wrong with those things? What is so wrong with wanting to feel special?



Why does nothing ever work out for me?

Music!

Yeah, so there was this benefit thing where a bunch of bands played, and among them, my friends in Purified Hatred. The 'benefit thing' was held about.. 30 seconds form where I live, so I obviously went there to see them play. Something I unfortunately haven't done in a while. The event took place at around 18-23 PM but my friends' band wasn't supposed to go on stage until 21 PM, so instead, we chose to hang out a bit, talk some crap, drink some booze and all that. Of course, I didn't partake in the drinking of booze, because alcohol has a tendency to make me feel nauseated instead of getting that happy buzz everyone else seems to get. Anyway, they went on stage, played their gig and they are fucking great! I've said it before, but they really are great, and they're really on the same level as any other band in that genre. It's really such a shame that they haven't gotten out there properly, because they definitely could if they wanted to.

After they had completed their brütal gig, the next band, Perception of Darkness, went on stage. I guess they referred to their own style as "Industrial Gothic". Which, judging from their look and sound, sounds pretty accurate. Not really my cup of tea, but they did put on a good show, and I do love me some music, regardless of my own personal taste. At one part of their gig, the lead singer proposed to his girlfriend, live, on stage. I don't know if that was part of the show or if it was an actual proposal. But if it's the latter, kudos and congratulations, man! He also had some awesome charisma, and really got the crowd (which unfortunately consisted of about 10-15 people for both bands) going.

In either case, both bands put on great performances, even if it's hard to be at your best when the crowd is so miniscule.

Stupidity.

I have lots of it. Yesterday I pre-ordered a copy of Mortal Kombat for the PS3, even though I don't have any money at all. But dag nabbit, I need that game! I haven't been interested in the MK franchise for a long, long time, but this time they're bringing it back to basics, which I absolutely love! For the first time in what seems like forever, the next Mortal Kombat game is going to have an M rating, which means a whole lot more blood and gory details, LOVE IT! Coincidentally, Portal 2, which I've had pre-ordered for a while now, releases on the exact same day. This means that I'll be spending a lot of money that I don't even have. Great!



Also, in this writing moment, I have a spongecake waiting for me in the oven. I've been doing a surprising amount of baking this past week, all in the name of saving money. But I'm also enjoying it quite a bit, so it's all good!

Once it's out of the oven I'll be enjoying it, some coffee, IRC and Silent Hill: Shattered Memories.

Laters, people.

Behold!

Glorious bread!

So that was my first attempt at the recipe the wonderful Patsy gave me. And it turned out great! I've since made another batch of it and I'm going to continue to do so for a good while. It's much cheaper than buying bread at the grocery shop, and it definitely tastes better too. Also, it's so god damned easy to make! I don't know why I haven't been doing this until now.

Anyway, BREAD!

Happiness, satisfaction and general awesomeness.

Oh, hi! Hey there! It's been a while, how are things? Good? Great!

Anyway, I am feeling a whole crapload of better since the last time we spoke. No more sadness, no more pain, no more anger. No more of any of those sad, unhappy feelings.

Since last I wrote anything here, I've both met and 'met' a whole bunch of new people, all of them very nice and generally likable people. Which is a great thing because during my period of self-hatred and general "I don't want to fucking live anymore, what's the point in anything?!"-ness, I thought that I would never ever be able to meet new people. Nor that they would actually like spending time with or talking to me. Anyway, since I began meeting new people, both for realz and on the interwebs, I've been feeling a whole hell of a lot better about myself and what the future may hold for me. So.. Yay! And so on...

Anywho, one of these friendly people share my love of video games, which is great, because you don't come across people you actually like that often. And even less, people that also happen to share one of your biggest interests. So me and her have been talking for a while, played a few sessions of Resident Evil 5 online and such. All good fun! And for some reason or another, we came to the subject of the Silent Hill games, which I said I've never played. Then she tells me that she has an unopened, extra copy of Silent Hill: Shattered Memories for the PS2. She offers to send me this copy, which I first thought was a joke, but nope. That lovely person actually did send me an unopened copy of said game for absolutely nothing at all... Needless to say, I'm very happy because of this. Not only because I got a game I wanted to play for free (yay!) but also because it assures me that there is hope for humanity. There actually are genuinely nice people out there, which is just awesome. So a shitload of thankyous to you, Jessica! *snuggles*.

Yeah, that's it... A rather pointless entry in this blog of nonsensical whimsy. But I wanted to write something, so I did. LOGIC!

Also, I'm baking bread.
Peace out!