Love thrown away.

I saw this Valentines card lying thrown away in the snow today. And it really hurt me. Someone made the effort to make this card for someone, and the person who received it just threw it away. It really reminds me of my breakup with my ex, since it's pretty much the same deal. It still hurts a lot.

Ahh, sweet relief, how I've longed for the!

So, yeah, that whole thing about me being depressed as fuck over my ex. Totally gone! I'm over her, and I'm feeling pretty damned good! Woooo!

Awesome, right? Totally awesome. Anyway, not a whole lot has been happening with me lately. The long break in posting is due to that whole ex thing, but since early this week, I've gotten completely over it. So now I'm all good again. Ready to start anew and getting back to just being me. I fucking love it!

As I said, not a whole lot has been happening, I've pretty much just cleaned up my apartment a bit and moved some crap out of here. Which is really nice, since my apartment isn't that big. It feels a bit more spacious now. Hmm, right now, in this writing moment, I'm really in a situation where I don't know what to write, so you'll have to bare with me here.

Oh, if there's anything I have done it's watching a lot of movies, mostly comedies for some reason. I've been watching movies that I've heard good things about but never got around to actually see. Until now that is. Other than that, I've gone ahead and bought a fourth copy of one of my favorite games; Resident Evil 4. Although, this time it's on the Xbox 360, and in HD, and I hadn't played it in a while, so I thought: What the hell. Oh and there's also achievements, woo! So I guess I've been playing that as well.

Also, yesterday (Saturday) I met a very nice lady, who I got along really well with. She came over, we watched Paranormal Activity 3 and played some Left 4 Dead 2. After that, we pretty much just talked about random crap for about two hours, so that was awesome. And I'm meeting her again tomorrow, which is also.. You guessed it. Awesome!

Anyway, this post is pointless, but I felt like writing, so there you go.

Post traumatic death syndrome.

That title really doesn't have anything to do with anything at all. It just popped up in my head while I was trying to think of a good title for this post. Funny how that works, eh?


Anyway, nothing is new really, I just felt like writing. Well I guess something is new, but nothing directly related to me. I've just gotten myself some new crap that I'm very happy to own.

So, last Sunday I ordered myself a new laptop and subsequently, on Monday, I went to Malmö to pick it up. While being in the stressful city of Malmö I took a detour into a record store looking for some vinyls. Of course they didn't have anything I was initially looking for, and whenever I found a label of something I wanted, guess what? Sold out! It's not all bad though, because I did find some gems in there, four of them even. I was there with my dad and while I was browsing around their big room of vinyls, my dad yells out "Nine Inch Nails!". Which of course got my attention. It turns out that they had just gotten a copy of The Downward Spiral in, and it seems to be an original 1994 print as well. I'm not sure, but it looks like it could be. On top of that it is in absolute pristine shape too, the cover has no markings or signs of wear and tear anywhere, nor does the actual records. So I grabbed that and I also found a copy of Depeche Mode - Some Great Reward, Depeche Mode - Black Celebration (which I'm listening to right now, Stripped, baby!) and Mike Oldfield - Tubular Bells. All those for the price of 414 SEK isn't too bad in my humble opinion. I'm really happy with that purchase.

Behold!

Oh, and on Sunday I'm meeting someone (yes, a lady) I've been talking to on Skype for quite a while. It seems like it could be a lot of fun, since we share a lot of common interests and get a long really well on Skype. So in theory, it seems only logical that it would work out in real life as well. In any case, I'm looking forward to it.

Lastly, this year there will be a list of my favorite games of 2011, unlike last year when I said there would but there wasn't. I just need to finish up some games I'm currently playing so I know what the hell I will be writing about.

Other than that, everything is still pretty much the same. I still miss my ex girlfriend and her adorable kids. I miss them all a lot.

So that's it for this time, I tip my hat to the.

Love - a fucking paradox.

Love can be the most wonderful thing in the world, and it can be one of the most painful.

Such is the life of this shell of a man I call myself right now. As my previous posts has stated, my now ex girlfriend has broken up with me. It has been almost a month since she did, and I am still devastated. I can't sleep, I can't eat and I can't really think of anything else but her. To clarify, this is a woman that I love in the truest sense if the word. I mean LOVE. I absolutely and unequivocally love her. There is literally nothing I wouldn't do to be with her again.

What makes all this so hard for me (except for the fact that she broke up with me) is that I simply don't understand any of it. She literally told me that she loved me the day before she broke up with me. Didn't that mean anything to her? Were they just empty words? How can things change over the course of one night? Adding further to this is that she just doesn't seem to care, not the slightest. Sure, I'm no angel and I said things that probably shouldn't have been said. Still, I'm finding it hard to understand why she now outright refuses to talk with me. No answer when I call, text or e-mail her. Nothing. It's like she simply doesn't care at all about me.

During the last few days, her updates on Facebook suggested with high probability that she has already met someone else. Upon asking her about it in a friendy but direct manner, I simply got threatened instead of getting an answer. I'm definitely no Mr. Perfect but I sure as hell deserve an answer. I haven't really done anything that warrants me being treated like this. All I've ever done is loving her.

If it's true that she has met someone, I can't help but wonder if I ever meant anything at all to her. Because if you say you love someone, how the hell can you forget that person and move on in less than three weeks? Especially when you say that you don't want to be in a relationship right now, and that you need time to yourself. It just doesn't make any sense to me. Unless ofcourse those words meant nothing to her. It also makes me wonder if its someone she met while we were together and straight up lied about it and cheated on me. I seriously doubt that's the case, but at least it would make sense.

Furthermore, it's like she's a completely different person now, like I don't know her at all. Did I ever know her? Was it all an act? Is the person she is now the real her? Or is what I'm seeing now the act?

I'm going out of my mind trying to handle all of it. But the sad fact is that she now doesn't want anything to do with me at all, and I will probably never get the answers I so desperately want. She's ignoring me even though she said she really wanted to be really good friends.

I just can't see a friendship based on lies and secrecy working.

I can really only hope that all of this is just thoughts and speculation. In all honesty, I have a hard time imagining that she would do these things. Stranger things have happened though, and as I said I'll probably never find out.

I just hope that she'll talk to me again some day and maybe then we can sort this whole mess out.

Until then though, I am devastated.

Ok, so.. Gibberish and shock.

That was pretty much what my last post was about. Well, I shouldn't say gibberish, more of a ramble based on emotions. Today I talked to her for a bit and things were more... Rational in my mind. Even though I still don't understand one of the reasons she had for breaking up with me. She's depressed and needs time to herself, which I totally understand to a 100%. The part I can not for the life of me figure out is that she said she hadn't loved anyone as much as she loved me. Then she also said that she doesn't think that we could ever be together because we're too different. Upon asking how we're different, there was no answer except that it "feels like it". I really don't get that at all. I really, really though we had something special, and I could really see a future with her, and I still can if she should decide to change her mind. To me, we were getting along so well, and her kids really seemed to like me too, as I did them. We had planned on spending Christmas ever togehter, but I guess that's down the gutter now, so I'll guess that I'll spending it alone this year. And that really sucks, because I was really looking forward to that, to spending the winter with her and her kids. Playing out in the snow with them and all that. I had so much hope for us, I really did.

I've never felt the way I do for her before, and I hope from the bottom of my heart that she'll get better and maybe want to try again. Because if she does love me the way she says she does, I can't really see any reason for us not being together.

Although it would probably be stupid to hope for anything along those lines. I guess I'm not destined to be loved. I just give and give and give, but always seem to get thrown away. 

"Love youuuuuu!" :).

You know...

That thing about me being happy? Well scratch that. My... I guess ex-girlfriend now just texted me and I guess she broke up with me. And once again I'm left here a hollow shell of a man not knowing what the hell is going on. What's wrong with me? What is it about me that makes everyone I love turn away from me?! WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WRONG?! Just like the last time I was dumped by a text message, I really have no idea what the hell is going on. I mean, everything was fine, I was in love and so was she.. Or at least I though she was. She dropped that bomb on me and the went on to say that she can't talk right now because she isn't at home and asked if we couldn't talk in a few days. Now what does that mean? Is this a repeat of last time? It sure as hell wouldn't surprise me if it was... How the fucking hell can you do that to someone?! Jesus Christ... I guess it's back to being depressed for about half a year now again.. Wohoooo! Fucking great. And just when I thought she loved me as much as I loved her...

Well I'm off to bed to cry myself to sleep now... Laters.

Waves of nothingness, and then some!

Have you ever heard a song or a piece of music that just enthralls you with it's sheer beauty? I have, and I just did. I had put on my Spotify playlist on random as I was messing around trying to organize my closet and a small little room I have in my kitchen. Anyway, while I was out taking a break and having a smoke, this song started. And it always has the same effect on me, I immediately got goosebumps all over my body. The thing is, I don't really associate this song with any fond memories, nor does it make me think of anything special. Yet it has this effect on me. I find it fascinating that a piece of music can do this to you, that someone has put together a bunch of notes that later becomes soundwaves affecting your entire body.

So what else is new, you ask? Well, you probably aren't asking, but you know what? I'm going to tell you anyway! The short answer would be; Not a whole lot. Life just keeps on rolling along as it always has, which is a good thing, because I'm enjoying the hell out of it right now. So from that I guess you could deduce that I am still in a general happy mood, still very much in love and just loving the shit out of everything right now. Well, except for a few things, but who the hell cares, right?

Also, it is November and anyone remotely interested in video games knows what that means. We're all broke-ass-broke, because all the big games decide to come out this month. Or maybe it's just me that's stupi enough to buy them all? Hmm, quite the conundrum... Anyway, I've been playing a whole hell of a lot of The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim since this Monday, and put about 60 hours into it so far. And I'm showing no signs of stopping anytime soon. Some might think that makes me a crazy person, but I assure you, I am not! (You'll see! You'll all see!) No, the reason I've been playing so much of it is simply because it is god damned really fucking great game. It's as simple as that. I'm playing as a Dark Elf who is currently at level 29 and is primarily a mage/rogue type thing. I use a lot of spells, a lot of one handed weapons and a lot of bows, so I'm whatever that makes me. Also, to give you a sense of how insanely huge this game is, I've barely touched the main quests, even though I've spent 60 hours in the game doing subquests and miscellaneous quests (kind of sub-subquests). How's that for a metric shit-ton of content?

And right after I'm done with that (if ever) I've also gotten myself Assassin's Creed: Revelations, which I haven't even touched yet. Although I've heard mostly good things, there has been some negativity directed towards it. Mainly about it not being as revealing as the title suggests and that it kind of feels like we've had enough of Ezio. I'm still looking forward to playing it though, so here's hoping.


Oh, and I've also started listening to vinyl records, something I regret I haven't done before. Because the quality of those records, god damnit and jesus christ! It is so much better than both CD's and mp3's. So now I've got a player right next to my monitor and I've bought a couple of vinyls of my own. Though I've only gotten 2 of the 4 vinyls I've ordered.

And lastly but definitely not leastly. My first official christmas decoration is up!

Peace out, bitches!